Get your mouths ready ... 'cause the fastest food eaters on the planet are teaming up for a quarantine tournament for the ages!!!
Thanks to Major League Eating, sports fans FINALLY have some competition to look forward to -- a livestreamed event on April 17.
The biggest names in the biz -- from Joey Chestnut to Matt Stonie to #1 female eater Miki Sudo -- are slated to compete ... and the food choices are extra quarantine friendly.
Here's the breakdown ...
Qualifying Round: Sliced Bologna -- two pounds
Quarterfinals: Milk and Cookies -- one family pack of Oreos and a half-gallon of milk
Semifinals: Baked Beans -- 1.5 gallons
Finals: Ramen Noodles -- 10 individual ramen cups
FUCK YEAH, SPORTS ARE BACK! AND BY SPORTS I MEAN A BUNCH OF GLUTTONS SHOVING 100 POUNDS OF FOOD INTO THEIR MOUTHS!!!
But....... WE'LL TAKE IT!!
Real talk though - this will be mindless entertainment at worst and a fun time on a Friday night while you drink alone in your shitbox apartment at best. I mean I can only come in 32nd place in Warzone so many times in a row before I get sick of playing, so this will help break up the monotony just a little bit.
Oh, and according to TMZ's article, you can (legally) gamble on the event too and one of the greatest Americans of all time, Joey Chestnut, is gunning for the baked bean record. LOVE IT. No, he's not defending the Mustard Belt and probably won't be this summer, but beggars can't be choosers at this point, and if you're not laying down PHAT stacks on Chestnut, you're a moron. I don't care if he's a -1,000,000 favorite. It's EASY money in a time where easy money is hard to come back unless you've checked your checking account this morning and noticed your stimulus check hit.
I almost wish I were allowed in on this conversation too. We all know of my athletic prowess (91MPH fastball, marathon runner and Division III bullpen catching All American, etc.) and this quarantine has made me realize that my abilities don't just end with those things. I can REALLY eat. Like non-stop. No, I don't have my competitive eating tour card yet, but if I hypothetically did, I think I'd win the oreo/milk chug contest at the very least, while also having a good shot at the ramen cup contest too.
Maybe next year.