The Carolina Panthers Just Signed Christian McCaffrey To A 4 Year, $64 Million Contract Extension Like A Bunch Of Fucking IDIOTS

Okay, I'll be honest. I don't think the Panthers are fucking idiots for signing one of the best players in football to an extension that pays him less than he could have gotten on the open market while also ensuring the rest of his prime years will be spent in Carolina as they likely ride him into the ground before letting another team sign him once the deal is done.

But daddy needs those pageviews and the Don't Pay Running Backs section of football internet is the Christian McCaffrey of football internet. Which is to say it is a fucking wagon. I mean look at these numbers from last year and McCaffrey's young career:

Pretty decent I suppose.

While we are talking stats, the only numbers people like discussing more than running back contract details is age. Yes, the amount of years a human has lived on the Earth. Silly, I know. But I've heard about how many birthdays Gleyber Torres and Jayson Tatum have had in their lives more time than I can count. Well Christian McCaffrey has only blown out the candles on his birthday cake 23 times in his life. It's true. I Googled it and everything!

That sound you just heard was Panthers fans and McCaffrey fantasy owners in a keeper league collectively cumming themselves 

I know the Panthers haven't won a bunch of games with CMC at RB. But I think that may have something more to do with Cam Newton's health than Christian McCaffrey joining the 1,000/1,000 club in a season where he scored 19 total touchdowns. I also know that big deals for running backs seldom work out well for the teams (Source: 90% of people on Twitter talking about running backs at any given moment), with Todd Gurley getting cut by the Rams and leaving a small nation's GDP worth of dead cap money on their books being the latest example. But comparing a player that had massive injury issues coming out of college to a player that has never missed a game and apparently still has his baby teeth is comparing apples to oranges if the orange will be walking in pain for the rest of his life

Am I saying all this because the Giants are going to have to break the bank to pay Saquon Barkley soon? Helllllll no. Because I can't wait for the Giants to lock up Saquon. Forget about all that you can't pay running back noise with him because I am officially listing Saquon on the Giants depth chart as a FLEX. A Weapon. A motherfucking monster. Just like Christian McCaffrey.

Is all this jibber jabber working? No? Okay, then scroll through some pictures of Christian's lovely girlfriend and lets all agree to be more rational when the next big contract is given to a player listed as a running back. Deal? Deal!