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Chinese Doctors Said COVID-19 Ruins Your Balls So The Frozen Sperm Business Is Naturally Exploding

Daily Beast -  Heather Kilpatrick has been busy lately. Since the United States began sliding into COVID-19 lockdown mode, the operations manager for at-home sperm collection firm CryoChoice says the company has “seen a lot of inquiries come in from people scared about coronavirus.”  According to Kilpatrick, CryoChoice has seen sales jump by as much as 20 percent in recent weeks. 

This newfound concern about saving spunk likely stems from emerging fears about the virus’s potential effects on fertility.

As of now, there is no evidence that coronavirus can have a long-term impact on fertility, in men or women. Nor has the virus been detected in semen or vaginal fluid. However, from late February to mid-March, stories emerged about a theory put forward by Chinese doctors, based on speculation rather than evidence, that COVID-19 may affect the testes and so perhaps could impact male fertility. 

But most experts don’t tend to see much cause for serious concern here. University of California–Los Angeles male fertility expert Jesse Mills told The Daily Beast “the effect of a fever or serious illness on sperm production usually lasts about three months,” then clears up. 

Men seem to be worried anyway.

I have a lot of questions that I'm going to try and reason my way through here. Any sperm-based experts want to chime in, by all means please hit the comment section. Same also goes for good dick jokes. You can never have too many dick jokes. 


1. How do you get into sperm collection? My understanding is that sperm collection usually involves a busty porn star in a well lit doctor's office. That's the beginning and end of my perspective before confronting this article, but now I realize it's a much bigger industry because there's a demand for these services. Really not the kind of thing you think about, but once you know - you don't forget. So back to my question - how do you get into it? Like I got into blogging because I like writing and I'm a weird guy and I've kept some kind of blog since high school. Same thing with the podcast - talking sports with friends is something I've been passionate about my whole life. 

Is it the same with being a sperm collector? Did these people get a whiff of their first load and fall in love? Or is it the the texture and consistency of semen that does it for you? Or maybe it's the concept of greater good where you put yourself on the front lines of sperm intake to protect the longevity of the human race. That's pretty heavy shit and I feel like if that's your angle, you could just as easily be involved in clean water or sustainable energy. But at the same time nothing says you're looking out for your neighbor like securely putting their loads on ice for future, safe use. 

2. What about At Home sperm collection? Excellent question - the source story is about newer companies where you don't have to see a reproductive urologist in person to save your jizz. So this is a new trend where you take care of business at home then return it to the lab via United States Postal Service. They run some tests and then you pay an annual fee for them to keep it. So in theory, there are countless freezers across the world right now housing man juice and apparently BUSINESS IS BOOMING. One company said sales were up 1,000%. That's 10x or a +1000 money line. 

3. What's the real story? Why is there so much cum? I thought you'd never ask. My doctor buddy told me it's a scientific reaction for us to get extremely horny when circumstances are bad. That's why you have such an insatiable thirst to crack stick when you're studying for finals. Or why you think you need to rub one out before a big sales pitch. Really any time circumstances in life make you afraid or feel like you're about to go down in flames, your balls get into overdrive because the biological clock is telling you to spread some seed. Sorry if that's too graphic guys but we're like 600 words into a blog about sperm. My point is that there's a scientific urge for people to load up, literally and figuratively, because COVID-19 has secretly told a lot of brains that we're all going to die. So start pumping.

4. Where does the sperm go? There's a giant meat-locker style warehouse 250 miles north of the Arctic circle protected exclusively by this woman

5. Is Peter North still alive? Yes, as evidenced by Canada's sperm count per capita statistics.

6. What do I recommend? My advice is that if you want my advice, you shouldn't be procreating. At the same time, there's a lot of peace that comes with knowing you have a cryogenically preserved cum at your disposal. So if you're as weird as it takes to be this far along with me in a blog, maybe not a bad idea to get a fresh batch in the freezer. Totally your call.