Kenny G Says He Invented The Frappuccino

NEWSER) – There’s another reason for you to love Kenny G. Not only does he provide the world with smooth saxophone jazz, he also helped provide the world with the Starbucks Frappuccino, at least according to the musician himself. He was an early Starbucks investor, he explained this week in an interview with Bloomberg, and he noticed that “Starbucks didn’t have anything but coffee” while another coffee chain, Coffee Bean, “had something called ‘blended’ that was a sweet drink, and people were lined up around the block. I would always call [Starbucks CEO] Howard [Schultz] and say, ‘Howard, there’s this thing that they do there that’s like a milkshake or whatever.’ … So I’d like to think that I was partially responsible” for the drink. And, of course, now, the Frappuccino is his favorite Starbucks beverage, he says. And, though Eater cites Wikipedia in pointing out that Starbucks may actually have bought the rights to the Frappuccino when the chain bought another chain, the Coffee Connection, in 1994, a Starbucks rep tells ABC News, “Kenny has been a dear friend of Starbucks since the beginning of the company and we are very appreciative of everyone, including Kenny, who’ve been a part of the success of Frappuccino.” (The rep also says two Starbucks partners began working on what would be the Frappuccino in 1993; it launched nationally two years later.) As for how he became a Starbucks investor, Kenny said his uncle—possibly Schultz’s first investor, per Kenny—suggested he invest and also try to sell his CDs there. And in 1994, one of his albums became the first CD Starbucks ever sold. “That was the experiment, to see if they could sell music at the counter, and it worked really well.”

Welp, we’ve found him folks. We’ve found the whitest person of all time.  If there was any doubt remaining that Kenny G was the whitest person to ever walk the face of the earth, this removes it. The contemporary smooth jazz saxophonist who looks like Sideshow Bob that invented the Frappucino and is more or less got in with Starbucks at the ground level. That is the whitest shit of ALL TIME. Only thing thats not white about him is his name. Kenny G sounds black as fuck. Like a late 80s rapper. His real name is Kenneth Bruce Gorelick which brings us right back to him being a shade lighter than Philadelphia Cream Cheese.

And fuck this claim that he invented the Frappuccino. Coffee Been had a blended coffee drink with the line out the door and around the block? So I’m pretty sure Coffee Bean invented it. Idiot. My grandma used to claim she invented the electric screwdriver. Had to explain to her that having ideas in your head doesnt mean you invented it. I have this idea in my head for a computer that somehow jerks you off while it plays internet porn. Someday when they invent the Laptop That Masturbates For You I dont get to say that I invented that. So fuck Kenny G and fuck Starbucks. Team No Coffee for life.