Easter day miracles, ranked:
2. Jesus waking up from that nap and pushing a rock
1. Marty Mush firing a heat-seeking missile off of a pot into the largest hole on Dana "Rex" Bahrawy's face
You can't script better, more gripping theatre. #MushMadness has taken the nation by storm. He was seemingly getting better and better at more difficult tasks as the weeks went on. No challenge seemed formidable enough for Marty Mush. Until last night, under the lights at 9 pm when he kicked off against the roundest pot on the planet using a 3 wood and 20 ping pong balls. It was a night filled with stars ranging from Jared Goff to Scott Van Pelt, Paul Bissonnette, and Buddha Ben. The night started as they all do: jovial. Spirits were high, as they typically are with an undefeated squad. And then slowly, as the night grew darker, and the lights literally cut out, and Dana kept not opening his mouth wide enough as balls ricocheted off his front teeth, and Mush realized a wedge was probably the better club to use, morale reached depths Jules Verne never imagined in his wildest dreams. Time was at a standstill as Martin battled through back injuries, Dana's sour puss attitude, and a bout with vomiting at around 5:30 AM.
It was a grim sight, but the drive, the determination, the sticktoitivness never wavered. Tears were shed, deli meats were discussed, emotions nearly boiled over in the form of fisticuffs, but cooler heads prevailed and the trio emerged victorious. A mere NINE AND A HALF HOURS and 2,625 shots after they embarked on their quest, they shared an embrace as the morning Sun glistened off their tired, dried out skin. As Champions, not just of #MushMadness, but of competitors everywhere. Plenty have the talent, but few have the will. And today we learned the names of a few good men with the will to win stitched into the fibers of their souls: Martin J. Mush, Dana Beers, and Nicky Mush. Heroes. Conquerers. Titans.