Is The Barstool Draft Truly A "Punishment": My Column
Dave hasn't been too pleased with the content output these past couple weeks and finally announced how he's gonna light a fire under our ass, The Barstool Draft. Dave will draft whoever he thinks isn't carrying his weight at the company and that person will have to spend everyday at his apartment as more or less his slave, but instead of building a pyramid, they'll be dismantling a pyramid of boxes and depositing them in the trash. It's a solid content idea. But is it truly a punishment? Here are the pros:
1. You get to spend time at Dave's apartment. I've never been but it has to be nicer than the shit boxes many employees are currently stuck in.
2. You will get CONSTANT exposure from the largest personality at the company. I'm wagering that whoever gets drafted first will gain around 30-50K followers on twitter alone by the end of quarantine. Any publicity is good publicity and that especially rings true at Barstool. Portnoy used to constantly rag on White Sox Dave, even making him fly to NYC and back to Chicago just to fuck with him. It probably wasn't a pleasant experience for WSD but I'm sure his overall "brand" grew because of it, even if his brand at that time was being an idiot.
3. Get to form a personal and unbreakable bond with your boss. Ok this one is HIGHLY unlikely but as they say, the closest bonds are the ones forged in adversity. These are troubling times for the world, Dave Portnoy, Barstool, and whoever gets drafted first. Well if you take two people in troubled times, make them work in close quarters, there's a small chance they emerge sharing a unique kinship that will last for decades. That's one of the reasons everyone who worked in the Milton office has a special connection with each other that us post-Chernin employees can never hope to duplicate. They may not like each other, but they fought in the trenches together so there will always be a certain level of respect.
4. You get to turn off your brain. While it may not always seem like it, blogging, podcasting, radio, and making videos, all take brainpower (Marty is the exception, he somehow makes solid content without using his). But cleaning boxes? You get to literally turn off your brain. I remember I had a job back in the day planting moss. Some rich lady wanted her gigantic yard to be filled with nothing but moss to differentiate herself from all her basic grass lawned neighbors. So from 8AM to 5PM for weeks on end I planted moss, piece by piece. I'd just turn off my brain every morning and get to work and honestly, I didn't hate it. That job was probably the closest I've ever come to mediating. Now at Dave's house, being this zen will be tougher as he's going to be screaming disparaging remarks at you most of the time but if you just turn off your brain, and keep throwing things in the trash, box by box, you'll emerge from quarantine still collecting a paycheck. You'll definitely be a dumber human being by the end of it, but at least you'll be a dumb human being with a job.
CONS:
1. You have to go to New York City, the epicenter of Covid19 in the US. Not a big deal for the employees already holed up there, but Imagine KB or Nick, who are both currently in Wheeling West Virginia, getting drafted? Them telling their parents "Bye Mom and Dad, I must head back into the fire, my boss demands it!" Poor Mrs. NoSwag crying on the front steps as little Kyle heads off to war. Mr. Turani writing a strongly worded email to Dave (that will never be read): "My son's health is not your content Mr. Portnoy!". The Blue Checkmark Bridge cranking out headlines "BARSTOOL FOUNDER DRAGS HIS EMPLOYEE OUT OF QUARANTINE"
2. Your fellow co-workers and the stoolies will label you as "lazy". Meh, that's happened to plenty of people in the past and they've survived (except for JMac, RIP).
3. Dave is receiving mountains of free shit. Some of it very cool. I would never ask you to rob your boss but If a couple boxes go missing he's not gonna miss them (and you'll still technically be doing your job of clearing boxes out of his house). Also he put a Joe Montana signed jersey in the trash pile the other day so you don't even need to rob him to get cool shit, just secretly start hoarding his scraps.
4. Honestly that's it. Once quarantine is over you definitely will never be invited to Portnoy's apartment so you better cherish the invitation when you get drafted.
SIDENOTE: I still think it's a great idea despite not truly being a punishment. Dave will be taking someone who he feels is doing the bare minimum (and thus is most likely getting minimal exposure), and putting them at the center of the Barstool universe where whether they like it or not, they'll be providing constant content for the Barstool audience (even if it's as Dave's rag doll/slave)