Old school Stoolies will know what I'm getting at when I say I figured our days of putting a Patriots quarterback and the word "howitzer" into a headline were long behind us. But in Jarrett Stidham's case, what choice to I have?
I mean, talk about your impressive measurables.
- Height: 6-foot-2
- Weight: 218 lb
- 40 time: 4.81
- Hands: 9 1/8"
- Arms: 32"
- Vertical: 31.0"
- 3-Cone Drill: 7.
- Length: 1 1/2 feet (estimated)
The thing is, I'd seen Stidham's Instagram and him golfing in this very same outfit. I watched him at the Combine. And yet somehow had no idea he was bringing this to the table, so to speak. And I have to say, after witnessing this, I'm more excited to have him leading his squad in 2020 and beyond than I've been yet.
I can hear people now, "Oh, c'mon Old Balls. That has nothing to do with whether or not you can play quarterback." But that's just jealousy talking. And I should know, since I've practically majored in penis envy my whole adult life. And I'll not sit idly by and let haters size-shame my new quarterback. Because if you think it means nothing, tell it to Big Dick Nick Foles, whose own legendary cannon is exceeded in weight and girth only by the Super Bowl MVP it helped him win.
I do still and will always be beholden to Tom Brady and I'll fight any man who tries to say otherwise. But leadership comes in many forms. And Jarrett Stidham definitely has one of the best kind. A future of following this mighty swordsman into battle is something I can definitely get behind. And when he's using it to slingshot 65 yard strikes to N'Keal Harry this year, remember that I took this stand.
If this should become the new #HowitzerGate, it's a hill I'm willing to die on.