Finally There’s A Toilet That Identifies Your Brown Star With Laser Precision

Finally! I am so sick and tired of not having my asshole scanned every time I need to take a shit. Just once, I’d like to sit down, download some runny ice cream into the ole pot, and know with absolute certainty that my toilet knows it’s swallowing MY shit.

I don’t know what the purpose of the toilet will be because I refuse to read medical journals. Any type of journals from other people are none of my business so I stay away. Privacy is important especially butthole privacy.

If these toilets can diagnose cancer, they’d be great but also terrifying. Every time you shit you’d have to think, “well, this is the one where the scan detects a series of anal polyps growing just beneath my asshole skin surface like a prepubescent zit the night before prom. Yes. I didn’t hit puberty until after prom. GET OVER IT!

You wipe tenderly, as instructed by the toilet post scan, and call your doctor.

“Hey doc. It’s me again.”

“Sup, Polyp Boy? What can I do for you?”

It’s not the first time you’ve had polyps and it won’t be the last. Your doctor thinks you like the nickname but you fight back tears. “Ha yeah. It’s me. Polyp Boy.” Terrible. Stick up for yourself.

Early detection is important so they (The anal polyps) don’t become infected. That’s why your mother, a scientist at Stanford, developed this asshole scanner in the first place. She loves you even though your butthole is an absolute train wreck of scars and disgusting knots of deformity. You know what? She always will. Those kids at school are wrong. W r o n g wrong.