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My goal is to become a top 72 personality at Barstool

So you've probably seen it by now. Somebody behind the scenes somewhere wrote up a harmless meme asking everyone which quarantine house they'd choose and used all of Barstool's relevant personalities as the members of each house. Oh it's such great quarantine fun. 

Would I rather live with Willie and Nick and Donnie or would I rather go suffer with Big Cat in that god-awful house 1. 

Do I want to stick in house 7 and watch people walk around without shoes on so Dave feels taller or would I rather live with Mush and Hubbs and Lo Duca and subject myself to the dumbest conversation ever had by humans?

The choices are endless as the houses are filled with Barstool household names like Jeff Nadu, Joey Mulinaro, whoever the fuck Will Compton is and the always-likable and never punchable JackMac. God I just can't wait to see the crowd of people that line up to live with motherfuckin' JackMac. 

I'm glad all my Barstool friends were included. (I've never even seen Sofia Franklin and Alexandra Otherone.)

And frankly I don't blame the person who left me off. It's not like that person knows what the Barstool College Football Show is. I doubt they know the wildly popular Walk The Line even though somehow douchebag producer Dana B of that show somehow made the list. And I doubt that person knows Unnecessary Roughness, the thirst-trappingest fucking podcast in all the land due to one of the cohosts. And certainly they've never heard of the FUCKING YAK.

There were several ways to go about this. 

No.1 was for me to simply be a man and take it in stride. Obviously, if you've seen me in various videos and other places, that's not a realistic option.

No. 2 was to send beautiful and talented CEO Erika Nardini a passionate email demanding the dipshit who made this list be fired. But since Erika hasn't answered this email, I decided to go with option 3.

Option 3 is the sensible one. I'm simply going to take this as a wake-up call. After all, there were only 72 motherfucking spots on this motherfucking list so hey, not everybody was gonna make it. So that's what I'll do.

It's clearly a message that I haven't worked hard enough in my fucking unprecedented one-year run in this company. Instead of being on five damn shows and working my fuckin' ass off all the time, I'll just have to double it. I'll be on 10 shows. I'l start 3 more podcasts. 

My goal is to become a top 72 personality at Barstool. And by God, I'm gonna do it.

Stupid ass houses.