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O.J. Simpson Says He'll "Go Crazy" If Golf Courses Close. Super.

Yesterday afternoon while he was playing golf, O.J. Simpson received terrible news. 

"They said they're going to close the golf course... now they're saying they're going to be closed and other courses are talking about closing."

Given everything that's going on in the world at the moment, you might be thinking, "Terrible news? That's not terrible news! People out there are scared for their lives! Others are jobless and aren't sure how they're going to feed their families! THAT'S terrible news." And you know what? If we were talking about someone like you or me, you would be right.

But Orenthal James Simpson isn't like you or me. 

The same rules don't apply to him, so yes, this news is awful. Life-changing awful. 

For him and for us.

“And if you do close them, you better open up some insane asylum. Get me a bib. I know if I can’t play golf for the next month, I’m going to go crazy.

I’m just saying. Take care.”

Apparently the O.J we've seen so far is the sane version, and that sanity is dependent on his ability to play golf. Without it, well, he KNOWS he'll go crazy. 

This isn't second-hand information from some racist cop; the words are coming out directly of his mouth: the Juice will get loose if he can't play golf. Threat, warning, whatever you want to call it, he's just sayin' and I'm just listenin'.

So, yeah, Ima need these golf courses to stay open.