The Time To Repent For Your Sins Is NOW, According To A Man Who Stole An Ancient Artifact 15 Years Ago

NY POST - An Israeli fearing a coronavirus apocalypse has decided to come clean and return a 2,000-year-old catapult stone he stole 15 years ago, according to a report.

Well, there's only one man to blame for this historical robbery that occurred 15 years ago: 

Shame on Indiana Jones for making stealing sexy, stylish, and cool. It is not. I mean it may LOOK cool, but rest assured 1) most people can't pull off that hat and 2) stealing goddess antiquities for a museum is still stealing. And stealing comes with consequences, like near-death experiences and the destruction of temples if you're Indy, or a guilty conscience if you're a typical human.  

“The time has come to clear my conscience. It feels that the end of the world is near,” said the unidentified person, according to the Times of Israel, which cited a Monday press release from the Israel Antiquities Authority.

The guilt-ridden citizen used a man named Moshe Manies as a go-between to deliver the bowling ball-size projectile to the City of David National Park. Manies, who kept the thief’s identity a secret, said the theft occurred 15 years ago, when two youths saw a collection of ballista stones that had been launched at fortifications, the Israeli news site reported.

“Meanwhile, he married and raised a family, and told me that for the past 15 years the stone is weighing heavily on his heart,” he wrote. And now, when he came across it while cleaning for Passover, together with the apocalyptic feeling the coronavirus generated, he felt the time was ripe to clear his conscience, and he asked me to help him return it to the Israel Antiquities Authority,” Manies added.

Who is this Moshe Manies character trying to fool? He's keeping "the thief's" identity a secret... yet he knows every detail about the robbery, how he casually came across the stone while cleaning, and how much it's weighed heavily on "the thief's" heart? 

Bruh, it's you! We all know you took the stone and it's weighing on YOUR heart. And guess what? We don't care! It takes real stones to admit you fucked up and try to right that wrong - you've done that (sorta)! Congratulations! When/if the world comes to an end, you will be a repented and forgiven man. 

Which is a pretty big deal considering the stones are likely connected to a pretty important holy city for Jews, Christians, and Muslims. 

“The ballista stones which were uncovered at the City of David are most likely connected to the harsh battles between the besieged residents of Jerusalem and the soldiers of the Roman Legion, from around 70 CE – the year of the destruction of Jerusalem,” he said.

On second thought, maybe keep your identity hidden. You took something from the Big 3… while I think it's noble you confessed and returned the stolen stones, it's possible someone else might not be as… forgiving. 

As for the rest of us, there's no time like the present to repent! It's not like you have anything else to do.