Ultimate Fast Food and Fast Casual Restaurant Bracket.....PART ONE
Well, well, well if it isn’t Trilly Hemingway aka Pen “Snake” Stabler aka Zora Trill Hurston back at it again. Trying times call for trying measures, so well…..I dipped the pen.
As you see above, Jeff D. Brackets was nice enough to compile 64 restaurants in order to keep the Madness of March ever-present. We’ll go round by round, region by region, day by day until we have our champion.
As far as what I’m ranking these on/looking for, in no particular order:
-A go-to item. What is your trump card? Is it your Dairy Queen Blizzards, is it your Popeyes Chicken Sandwich, is it your “We dominate breakfast” Hardees? What is your knockout punch?
-If a group of people had to agree to eat here, how many places would be mentioned before this place? As good as your go-to item may be, there’s extreme value in a Sonic or McDonalds where just about everybody can find something for them. EYE like Long John Silver’s but could see how a group might not share my fervor for them.
-Value. Once we’re here, is it going to cost an arm and a leg to get satisfied? I like Firehouse Subs if I just got paid or ran across a couple of extra dollars in my wife’s purse (Hey boo!) but on the in-between, a dollar menu with solid options never hurt nobody.
-Availability. I know the Portillo’s down Lakeshore Drive over by Calumet (a school full of Stones) and just past Soldier Field is the best in the world, but if there is literally only just that one location? It doesn’t really help as much in this scenario.
Without further ado.
Mac & Dick McDonald Region
1 McDonalds over 16 Jollibee. Because I don’t know what the fuck a Jollibee is.
8 Wawa over 9 Sheetz. Never had Sheetz but Wawa is good money. You can have an entire sandwich made to your exact specifications and not interact with a single person once. Tremendous. Just tremendous.
4 Whataburger over 13 Quiznos. I admit I’ve had Quizno’s exactly one and it was so good it almost got it the nod here. But Whataburger is Whataburger. Next.
12 Pot Belly over 5 Panda Express. Our first upset! Panda Express is “meh” even when it’s good.
11 Dairy Queen over 6 Carl Jrs/Hardees. They each do one thing extremely well, and DQ’s (desserts) trumps Hardee’s (breakfast) now that everybody sells breakfast all the time.
3 Arbys over 14 Taco Cabana. Weird ass commercials aside, Arby’s isn’t awful. And idk what a Taco Cabana is or where to find one. Sorry.
10 Jersey Mikes over 7 Panera Bread. UPSET CITY BABY, JERSEY MIKE MIGHT GET HOT!!!!!
2 Chipotle over 15 A&W. This one was over at halftime.
No Sundays Region
1 Chic Fil A over 16 Penn Station. Thanks for showing up Penn Station.
8 Moe’s over 9 Jimmy Johns. Jimmy Johns food doesn’t even look good in the commercials.
13 Boston Market over 4 Culvers. I have a feeling people are going to yell at me here so before I get into this, I’ll just ask that you remember that I am in year seventeen and am a father of three before you raise your voice. Culver’s isn’t really that good. They have a lot of things that are all subpar. Boston Market has two pretty rare markets: the Thanksgiving food year-round market and the roasting birds IN HOUSE market. I understand a lot of people don’t care for Thanksgiving food outside of the holidays and to that I say, go to hell. And again, they roast the bird IN HOUSE. Boston Market advances.
5 Dominos over 12 Torchys Tacos. I admit I have yet to have Torchy’s, but I have had Dominos and I appreciate how willing they are to completely change how their pizza is made like once a month and then make a commercial about how much their old pizza used to stink. So they get the nod.
11 Little Caesars over 6 White Castle. Let me go to bat here for a legend that gets shitted on far too much for this man. Little Caesars raised you. Every other pizza party or under-five T-ball end of the season party had Little Caesars and it raised you. It was fine for what it was, hot and available. You have to love when a restaurant decides to market it’s FOOD to you for its TEMPERATURE and AVAILABILITY. The crazy bread is good money too. Caesars marches on.
3 Subway over 14 Church’s. Church’s has a good biscuit, that’s about it. Subway has come through for the boy (me) in a pinch so I can’t disrespect it. Yet.
10 Cookout over 7 Papa Johns. Papa Johns being a 7 seed is a disgrace. Way too high and Cookout disposes of them easily.
2 Burger King over 15 Sbarro. As much as I love an authentic New York slice, BK advances here rather easily.
Bag Fries Region
1 Five Guys over 16 Roy Rogers. Jeff D. Lowe is the only person I’ve ever heard mention Roy Rogers so I KNOW they trash. No disrespect, Roy.
9 Zaxbys over 8 Portillos. A hell of an 8/9 matchup here as either one of these guys could go on a run of their own. If one wasn’t immediately eliminated.
13 Firehouse Subs over 4 Pizza Hut. You may notice a theme here but I’ll usually go with a consistent sub place over an inconsistent place that serves anything else. There’s a built-in floor for a sub that you pretty much watched them create, there’s only so bad it can be. The pizza you get from the Hut really depends on which particular Hut you went to and what time you went.
5 Bojangles over 12 Noodles & Company. If I can help it, I will never ever try Noodles & company. This is my promise to you.
6 Jack In The Box over 11 PDQ. Pretty open and shut case here.
3 Popeyes over 14 Schlotsky’s. Another open and shut case. Funny name, serious sandwich, serious ass-whooping. Popeyes by 83.
7 Long John Silvers over 10 Wingstop. LJS is as much “fine seafood” as Wingstop is a place for “legitimate” wings. And one of em has #crispies.
2 In-N-Out over 15 Baja Fresh. Only ever seen In-N-Out in California. Only ever seen Baja Fresh in the food court of outlet malls. Advantage: In-N-Out.
Dave Thomas Region
1 Wendy’s over 16 Weinerschnitzel. Another juggernaut 1 seed making short work of an overmatched 16 seed.
9 Checkers over 8 Sonic. Sonic has 1 billion subpar options. Checkers has a few quality ones (BIG CHICKEN, actually good french fries). Give me the few quality ones.
4 Shake Shack over 13 Swensons. Swensons sound like some shit Jeff made up. Not buying it.
5 Steak N Shake over 12 Wings over. When Wings Over gets a birthday cake shake, tell em call me. No seriously. They have my number on file and I know Coley is the acting CEO at Wings Over.
6 Raising Canes over 11 Del Taco. Canes and Zaxbys being on the same side of the bracket, but different regions is what we call a TEASE, folks.
14 Blimpie over 3 KFC. Surprise! I’ll never trust KFC again after the Double Down sandwich. No siree.
10 Qdoba over 7 Skyline Chili. This will probably have me banned from Cincinnati but it’s a risk I’m willing to accept.
15 El Pollo Loco over 2 Taco Bell. Hear me out! It goes back to the old adage I created several moments ago, about how if you have bird roasting capabilities IN HOUSE, you’re going to be pretty much on my radar. Does Taco Bell? No? Well then.
And just like that, our field of 64 is now 32. Join us tomorrow, when we get to the Sweet 16. Take care, rest up and wash up.
