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Cheese Vs. Blowjobs: The People Have Spoken, You're Extremely Horny

I want to be upfront and honest with you guys because it's in my nature: Things are probably going to get pretty weird around here. It's not just a lack of sports - it's the entire lack of literally everything. The Pope even cancelled mass in the middle of Lent. Even your salvation can wait a few weeks, which steers me back to our original question. 

With morality on break, I want to spend a blog reflecting on a hypothetical I've carried with me for years: cheese vs. blowjobs.

Granted, some of you don't even think this warrants discussion. Congrats to all your dicks on the playing time. 

Is it really that easy Dale? Should I just hang up and listen about how your dick gets the spotlight on a technicality? Or are we actually here to have a seasoned debate? Because at face value it seems like everyone wants to sabotage one of the food pyramids strongest pillars. Seems to me like a lot of your forgot who you really are. Try and follow along. 

How Many Blowjobs Have You Gotten In The Last 12 Months? 

I'm talking full-on, start to finish blowjobs. Not pre-game to some average sex. Not a whiskey dick special on a Saturday at 3am. I'm talking soup to nuts blowjobs. Go ahead and count all those up. I'll wait. 

And while you mentally pad admittedly weak stats, let me hit you with some real data. The hard numbers. 

The Average American eats 23 pounds of pizza a year. Then double that amount if you want to throw in slices for sandwiches and burgers. Mix in the occasional charcuterie board and we're already running into problems before I even mention a nacho. Or a hot pretzel to go alongside a hot ham n' chee sammy. Grilled cheese? Gone. As is all the fresh mozz your uncle Tony brings to family parties. Along with it goes the burrata, and while I'm feeling thicc let's also invalidate your bagel's cream cheese and any notion of a kraft single. This is a broad sweeping ban otherwise there's no sacrifice. It's cheese or BJ's with no room for interpretation. 

With that said, have you gotten to a somewhat honest number regarding your annual blowjob count? 

Good. Keep it fresh because that's your reference point. 

Some Considerations: 

In cheese/oral sex, experts refer to this as the Hit Ratio and our contributor Yung Zebra here makes an excellent point. The Cheese Hit Ratio is at a staggering 98%. Very rare does a cheese not do it for you. Usually on account of it just being expired and gross. 

Now compare that to a timid helmet wash. You're both uncomfortable and now you're watching the clock and doing some mental gymnastics to close the gap. It's an awkward moment worth living but at the same time I don't recommend it. More for the perspective that not all blowjobs were created equal - a fact a lot of people like to ignore when dismissing cheese. 

Another interesting point is the time continuum in which you face this hypothetical. The more access you have to blowjobs, the more likely you are to lean blowjob. That's just basic science. 

But with experience comes perspective and the understanding that your teenage years don't really prepare you for decisions like this. Cheese starts to play an increasingly large part as you age. The sentiment that "I could use a good blowjob" will eventually be replaced with "I could use a great thin crust" while still yielding the same amount of pleasure. 

But probably most notable in the aging process is that the blowjob AS A SOCIAL TOOL becomes virtually extinct with age. Experts universally agree the BJ initially emerges in life as a preferred noncommittal sex act. Where sex would be too risky, promiscuous or downright sinful is exactly where the BJ makes its first move. 

I'm going to get my dick sucked forever. - a younger version of yourself

As time goes on though, it becomes more of a delicacy. Think of it like drinking wine. At 21 you're playing slap the bag and pounding bottles of barefoot on a designated "wine night" at one of your 2nd tier campus bars. You're big on volume and don't mind the hangover. But as you age, your palate demands more quality. And oftentimes the quality goes hand-in-hand with the wine's age.

Sure there's a point when the wine gets too old and goes south. And I'm not saying there's no timetable on a blowjob's effectiveness. But if we're being honest, and I hope at this point in this blog we are, there's general parallels between the evolution of fellatio and the taste for wine in an adult's life. You younger folks should think long and hard about that before coming to a decision. Just know that wine and cheese pair well for a reason. 

The Pizza Boys. 

These are the guys you follow into battle without hesitation. There's no blowjob in the world that could get these guys to even entertain the idea of cheating on pizza. Right or wrong, you can't deny their loyalty to a dominant subsection of the cheese family. It's good to know there's still common values in this world. 

But then blowjob enthusiasts are probably going to argue that pizza is so much more replaceable

I can definitely live without pizza - Chad (texting Kyle)

Blowjobs are exotic enough, taking them completely from your life would leave you with significantly less outs. (Or "ins" depending on how you frame it.) Elsewhere, you could have a burger or some world class chinese takeout and not skip a beat. That would be a valid argument. 

Fuck Chad and his stupid argument. - Pizza Boys

Not a bad response to Chad. Pizza guys will counter that you get one full service BJ for every 2-3 pounds of pizza in life. Hate to make things a pure numbers game, but something to think about. 

Another popular consideration is marital status 

Conventional wisdom says that marriage = no blowjobs. However, a caller on our show today made a point that I promise has not crossed your mind. Me paraphrasing: 

I love cheese don't get me wrong but I've been getting unbelievable blowjobs from my wife for over 10 years and I don't know what I'd do without them. They're the best blowjobs of all time. They're my blowjobs and my wife knows when to give them to me. Could be after a long day of work and she'll just know. And I treasure that very much about my wife and our marriage. It would be impossible for me to give them up.

Pretty special moment if you ask me. Honestly I thought this guy was going to renew his wedding vows on air right then and there it was that special. 

And then it made me think, there's probably a lot of older guys out there that have been enjoying the same handcrafted custom blowjob for decades that would be too much to walk away from. I have a lot of respect for those marriages and relationships. Hats off to anyone living that life. 

Admittedly, though, I think those folks represent more of an exception than a rule. Blowjobs traditionally decline with time. It's a harsh but important reality to consider, especially if you're loyal to modern American taste.

Imagine being at a wedding and not having access to the taco fondue fountain. Moments like that would basically demand a blowjob. Hopefully you can get it. 

Personally, I don't have the requisite cock swag to bank on the number of blowjobs it would take for me to pass on a good cheese spread. That's on me. 

But I also love a balanced cheese. It's in my nature as a god fearing Midwestern man with a natural thirst for milk. Equally inherent is my lack of patience or willpower to overcome a cheese withdrawal. Maybe a stronger man could argue differently but not me. 

That's why I go cheese. Sue me for being consistent.