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There's A Special Place In Hell For People Who Make Planes Divert Over Bad Behavior

WGN — An American Airlines flight that departed from Chicago's O'Hare International Airport was diverted because of an "unruly passenger," according to an airline spokesperson.

A man attempted to open the airplane's emergency exit door while it was in flight Tuesday.

A group of flight attendants and passengers helped subdue the man to the ground. The plane was diverted to St. Louis International Airport where police removed him.

I know everyone expects me to make this about O'Hare and how it sucks and this would never happen on Southwest out of Midway but I just can't. We've crossed that threshold. I can't make this about ORD vs. Midway no matter how bad I want to. This officially transcends us into common ground known as Basic Plane Etiquette. Somewhere in the top 25 is "Don't Open The Emergency Exit Door Mid Flight" ... probably in the top 10 if we're being honest. Right up there with not jerking off and keeping your feet off the touch screen monitor. There's some other classics out there

There's a bunch of other shit on the list and kind of overwhelming too. It's been crazy lately talking airplane etiquette. Can you do this. Can you do that. Can you zig when you want to zag. Blah blah whatever fucking blah. But here's something we can all unite on: don't make us divert to St. Louis. It would take military grade equipment to crack that seal at 36,000 feet assuming all the meth wore off. Which reminds me. 

I was flying to Vegas this weekend out of Baltimore to crash the Zillion Beers wedding. 9:05 EST out of Baltimore. Getting ready for take off when the guy next to me (who smells strongly of airport tequila) gets on the phone and calls his girl. "Hey baby I'm coming to Vegas but I want to see those titties. Let me see those titties. Please show me them titties"

It was funny but obnoxious. My xanax was working. Thank God. 

Guy in front of me goes: "Hey pal, you mind keeping it down just a bit?" 

Guy next to me: "Yeah no problem my bad-WHY DONT YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF BUDDY I'M ON THE PHONE WITH MY MOTHER AND SHE'S GETTING MARRIED IN VEGAS THIS WEEKEND SHOW SOME FUCKING RESPECT."

Woah. 

Never seen fireworks on a plane up close like that before. Happened in the blink of an eye. Plane is about to leave the gate, door closed and seatbelts buckled. All that bullshit when this guy loses his shit on row 8. Dropping some hard cocksuckers and getting all fired up. 

Insert the extremely milfy flight attendant with some very bad news. Tommy Hardo had to leave the plane. Can't risk him pissing his pants halfway through the flight or sucker punching 8E over some bad beef. Uncomfortable moment, yes. But honestly I loved the action. Loved sitting in the middle of this guy's struggle bus, watching him crumble on the way out. 

BUT MY MOMS FUCKING WEDDING

And now in hindsight I know why you kick a guy like that off the plane instantly. You can't risk the detour to St. Louis because he wants to sit in the cockpit. Only Southwest would be smart enough to see this one coming, the #1 airline in the United States and the backbone of Midway airport. All you O'Hare morons up north take some notes. 

I simply can't help myself. 

Team Midway 4 Life.