Well, OK then. So we are exactly two weeks away from the start of free agency and Brady and Gisele's real estate agent picked this particular moment to put their home on YouTube:
The ultimate family dream home. Allow us to take you on a tour of Tom Brady & Gisele Bündchen's tranquil Brookline, Massachusetts estate: designed for cozy family living while formal enough for entertaining on a grand scale.
I'm sure there's no reason to read anything into it. That this isn't a declaration that their time in New England is gone or some kind of 11th hour ploy to increase his leverage in contract talks. It's just simply a coincidence. A product of the natural business cycle of the high end real estate market.
You have to admit it's a nice home. With good bones, as they love to say on the 150 shows the Irish Rose watches where tedious couples shop for a place to live. Cozy, if you're into living in a place that is one secret passageway connecting the Lounge and Conservatory from being the mansion in "Clue." Or if you're looking to live in a house that has a different bathroom for every day of the week.
So let's take a look at the details:
This custom-built 5-bedroom family home by renowned architect Richard Landry, AIA, of Landry Design Group, built in 2015 in collaboration with interior designer Joan Behnke & Associates is a one of a kind masterpiece. Situated on 5+ acres adjacent to the 9th hole of The Country Club with expansive views of plush landscaping offers privacy and serenity. 3-car garage, a stoned carport and circular driveway holds up to 20 vehicles. Entry foyer leads to a stunning dining room, living room, home office, eat-in and chef’s kitchen and a family room all with generous fenestration. Grand stairwell leads to 5 bedrooms on second floor. Lower level includes a recreation room, kids play room, full bath, wine room, gym, spa and outdoor organic herb/vegetable garden. 2400 sq. ft. detached Barn-inspired Guest House, with yoga studio, full bath, sleeping loft, and walls that open up for natural air circulation provide a Zen-like experience. Located 5 miles from Back Bay.
By way of full disclosure, I've been by the property. A member of The Country Club who's a huge Stoolie has had me as a guest a couple of times. And this is the house behind this fluid, mechanically perfect, golf-instructional-book-illustration-ready swing:
I just want to note for the public record that before taking this picture, my buddy confirmed with his range finder that I was, in fact, 101 yards away, so I didn't violate that court order. (Apparently you go through someone's trash looking for bits of hair and clothing for the TB12 Friend you're making at home and that meets the legal definition of "stalking." Such bullshit.)
Anyway, we were busy bringing the course to its knees, so I didn't have time to notice the generous fenestration or the outdoor organic herb/vegetable garden and 2400 sq. ft. detached Barn-inspired Guest House. But even from my legally-required distance, the serenity and Zen-like experience were obvious. Those alone are worth the $33,900,000 asking price.
I guess the question though, is whether you could live in a house that was just occupied by the world's most celebrated power couple? That's a lot of pressure. Walking the same halls where they've laughed and cried and loved. Using their showers. The same toilets. Sleeping in the bedroom Tom and Gisele used. Doing work in the office where he studied film to beat the Falcons and Rams. Storing your Two-Buck Chuck bottles in the same wine room they stored the $150 vintages Drew Bledsoe gave them. I don't know if you'd have a moment of peace. Being the next resident of that house is like being the next quarterback of the Patriots. You don't want to replace the legend, you want to replace the person who replaces the legend. If I was buying 112 Woodland Rd., I think I'd give it out to some other family to live in for like a month or so, just to let them break the seal for me.
That said, there's now way I'm not signing up for a tour. Assuming of course they don't ask for proof you can afford a $33.9 million mortgage. Or the even $33 million I'd try to Christian them down to. Just to see the place in person. Without committing a crime or going full "Ted 2" on them.
I'm still saying #Braxit is not going to happen. But if we're being honest, this video dropping when it did doesn't help my confidence any.