QB Hand Size Season Kicks Off with News Tua Tagovailoa's Hands are Different Sizes

I love Combine season. God help me, how I do love it so. I love it more than my life. If I joined eHarmony or Christian Mingle or Tinder or whatever, I'd mention that in the first line of my bio because if a potential life match knew nothing else about me, I'd want her to know that. 

And as much as I enjoy the big things. The 40 yard dashes and 3-cone drills and 20 yard shuttles and this year's new editions like the end zone fade and the Duce Staley drill, nothing quite compares to the singular, sublime beauty of the event that kicks it all off for us. The Quarterback Hand Measurement. 

If we've learned anything over the first 100 years of football, is that there is a direct connection between the size of a quarterback's hands and his success. There's a mathematical, direct correlation there. Not just because of the obvious importance of his ability to grip the ball, but also because, by definition, your QB is your leader. And men need big hands in order to lead. Elections have been decided on the issue.

To hell with the Electoral College. Let's just get Trump and Bernie holding their palms up against one another and let their fingers decide the election, fair and square. Let's see Putin interfere with that process.

So with 2020 QB Hand Measurement season underway, we've already been treated to one of the most shocking revelations in the history of this time honored event. 

Holy Schniekies. Like Tagovailoa wasn't already the biggest wild card on the board, coming off hip surgery and two leg injuries in just over a year dropping him from a likely No. 1 overall to maybe a Top 10 but possibly lower. Now what are the Hand Fetishists in team personnel departments supposed to do with two different hand sizes? And his throwing hand being the smaller one, no less? I mean, what would noted Hall of Fame Handphile Gil Brandt do with this data? We know he'll take a guy completely off his Big Board or give him a blue chip grade based entirely on the Hand Size metric. Sometimes when it's the same identical measurement.

But I don't know what you do with this asymmetrical Tua guy. If this was ancient Sparta, they'd probably toss him off a cliff for such a deformity beacause he wouldn't be able to fight in a phalanx and so he wouldn't pass his genetic mutation onto future generations. I'm guessing there'll be some medical staffs who'll meet with Tagovailoa, get out the tape measure to check for themselves and never even ask about the hip. Again, going back to the direct correlation between the inches between thumb tip and pinkie tip, consider these examples:

Small hands, failed quarterbacks:

• Jared Goff: 9 inches
• Patrick Mahomes, 9 1/4"
• Tom Brady, 9 3/4"
• Ben Roethlisberger, 9 7/8"

Big hands, highly successful quarterbacks:

• Tim Tebow, 10/18"
• Paxton Lynch, 10 1/4"
• Cody Kessler, 10 7/8"
• Jim Druckenmiller, 11 1/4"

So this is it. The first dramatic story of the Combine, which doesn't even begin until Thursday. What the scouts do with Tua Tagovailoa and his freakish, cull lobster-like hand disparity is going to eclipse all other story lines. Let the dog and pony show begin!