There's nothing I hate more than oversized "oddities" disguised as "tourist attractions." If it's just really big for the sake of being really big then keep it away from me and my loved ones. I'm saying this as someone who grew up within meth walking distance from the "world's largest teapot."
A prime example of something that serves no purpose being big. Does an enormous teapot benefit anyone? Unless it can actually make or serve tea to a proportionately larger amount of people then it's fucking stupid and a waste of space. And that's that on that. There's infinite examples of other things like this, but for the sake of everyone including myself, I'll only stick to a few. Also, statistically, there's at least one person reading this who's an active or aspiring arsonist. Hello, friend.
“The World’s Largest Pheasant” (Huron, South Dakota)
Oh, that’s the world’s largest pheasant? That’s actually kind of neat. Except no it’s not and no it’s not. A pheasant is a half flightless buffoon of a bird that serves no purpose in the world other than getting slaughtered by indifferent hunters and scoffed at by gatherers. It's the "can I get plain spaghetti with no sauce" of the taxidermy industry. It's how poor spellers insult poor people on Twitter. You know what’s not a pheasant? A gigantic fiberglass statue of a pheasant. That’s just an art project. No one’s going around calling the Statue of Liberty the “world’s tallest woman.” Also, how are you going to brag about winning a size competition that doesn’t exist? No one’s trying and failing to construct bigger pheasant statues, or even pheasant statues at all. The sign should say “HOME OF THE WORLD’S ONLY OVERSIZED ARTIFICIAL PHEASANT.” Except in lowercase 6 pt font because who would ever actually care?
Did a pheasant write this review? What the fuck is going on in Huron, South Dakota that people are so thrilled by something that looks so fowl?
Johnny Donutseed (Lloyd, Florida)
This is just remarkably awful. Terrifying even. Am I alone in thinking its aura is extremely unsettling? I’ve never been so threatened by something that’s so close to deteriorating. You know what makes sense? Johnny Appleseed. You know what doesn’t? Whatever or whomever this abomination is supposed to be. Johnny Donutseed? It's like Thurman Merman had Remedial English right before lunch and started daydreaming during story time. It's the first inanimate object to ever suffer from gangrene and fetal alcohol syndrome. It looks like a kid from Boone County, West Virginia made their dad out of Play-Doh and then got hungry and then got horny. Tear it down immediately.
Iowa’s Largest Frying Pan (Brandon, Iowa)
What? The most pathetic part about this is that it’s not even the largest frying pan in the world or country. How do you waste time on a project like this and only strive to outdo the commercial grade nonstick Cuisinart in Cedar Rapids? That's like Dan Gable retiring after high school because he was content with his state titles. At least put a more appealing design on it. "Brandon, Iowa" sounds like a first-day-of-class ice breaker response to “say your name, where you’re from, and your favorite black person.”
Come to Iowa, where seeing a comically lame oversized kitchen utensil will likely be the highlight of your time traversing through our entire state.
(Spencer Lee, I know you're reading this. I'm ready for that match whenever)
World’s Tallest Filing Cabinet (Vermont)
Words can't describe how much I hate this. I dare you to try to think of a more uninteresting tangible object that can be stacked really high. Manila folders? Receipts? At least those things wouldn't rust over. It's like the most boring accountant in Vermont took an edible for the first time while watching a Burj Khalifa documentary and was like "I have an idea." I'd pay someone to destroy this.
This having 4.2 stars is like a black bean burger from a Canadian diner getting 5 balls.
Giant Lady Shoe (Illinois)
Giant Pink Woman (Nevada)
Incredible idea. Horrendous execution. You know it’s bad when even her uncovered breasts, despite their voluptuous size, do absolutely nothing for me. Flash Gordon lookin bitch. What's that yellow lego thing down below supposed to be? George H.W. Bush didn't die for that. Burn the entire thing to the ground. Still would though.
Wisconsin: The World’s Largest M (Platteville, Wisconsin)
Is there anything more boring looking than one of the letters of the English alphabet? I had the world's largest crush on Hester Prynne, but even The Scarlet Letter couldn't condition me to become aroused by an "A." At least make it a word or something. Mom? Everyone likes moms. Fuck off, Platteville, Wisconsin.