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Dude Has Disease Where His Body Ferments Carbs Into Booze, So He's Constantly Drunk


A man who said he never drank alcohol but often appeared drunk actually had a rare condition called auto-brewery syndrome, in which his gut began producing alcohol whenever he ate carbohydrates, a new case study says.

For years, the 46-year-old man's family, doctors and police thought he was a closet drinker, despite his insistence that he didn't drink any alcohol, NBC Newsreported.

The man displayed "brain fog and aggressive behavior," fell often, and was even arrested for suspicion of driving while intoxicated.

He was eventually diagnosed with auto-brewery syndrome, which occurs when "gut disturbances" -- including antibiotic use -- result in uncurbed growth of fermenting fungi or bacteria in the gastrointestinal tract, NBC News reported.

I read this story and the Bum Bum Song by Tom Green immediately came to mind, one lyric specifically.  

"My bum is on the cheese, my bum is on the cheese If I get lucky, I'll get a disease"  

Like... I've never wanted a disease.  I've never gone out of my way to acquire a disease.  Typically, diseases are bad. Never in my entire life have I been like "yo I'll take some chlamydia with a side of the hepatitis alphabet soup, thx".  At least not by choice, though sometimes the 6 you leave the Hangge Uppe with at 3am doesn't give you a choice.

But then this article popped onto my timeline this morning.  Ho hum, just a dude that gets drunk anytime he touches a carb.  Now I'm not trying to make light of the dude's condition, but I kinda need to have it.  For one, I've become a fat again.  That's what being sponsored by a beer and unironically consuming 3 Italian Beef sandwiches a week will do to you.

Two, I've become a poor, and that's due to drinking.  I'd say on any given week, I'm dropping about $500 on booze and/or bar food, which I imagine is similar to many of you reading this.  But guess what?  Problem solved.  We just need to get diagnosed with Auto Brewery Syndrome.  Can you imagine how awesome it'd be if you walk into a bar, yell "barkeep!" and order up a couple two tree rounds of these for the boys?

and that's all it takes to get completely shithammered?  That is the kinda shit dreams are made of.  

Oh, and also - I'd drop weight like it was going out of style, while simultaneously watching my savings pile up.  Life would be infinitely better for me.  

But nope.  Unfortunately I'm cursed with a normal digestive system and not one that would put Goose Island to shame.  I live a really, really sad life.  Ladies, if any of you reading this have auto brewery syndrome and would like to give it to me, my DMs are open.  I imagine it's just like passing the chicken pox from one little kid to the other.