Michael Phelps Would Be Certifiably Insane To Come Back and Swim in the 2016 Olympics

Sun - Michael Phelps is keeping everyone guessing. Less than a week after Phelps told a Maine TV station that “I’m retired. I love it. It’s fun,” his coach Bob Bowman told a French news agency that the winner of the most medals in Olympic history has been getting back into the pool at North Baltimore Aquatic Club. “I’ve said nothing about a comeback,” Phelps told Bill Green of WCSH in Maine in a story that aired last Tuesday. “I have said nothing about a comeback. It’s everybody else opening their mouths and saying comments that they think I’m going to do or think that I said. I’ve never said anything publicly.” But when his coach tells AFP and other news organizations that Phelps has been getting back into the pool, one has to wonder. It makes sense that he’s swimming to stay in shape since that’s what he’s done all of his life, but is there a bigger goal in mind, like Rio in 2016?

Michael, my friend, why in the fucking world would you want to return to swimming? You got out! You escaped the 10,000 calories a day, shaving your legs, hanging out with butch chick swimmers life, and moved on to playing high stakes poker and banging every 10 under the sun. Are you really that bored of the best life a lanky, slightly stuttering, possibly autistic guy can get? You’ve out-kicked your coverage of life in every conceivable way. You beat the best of the best for 100 gold medals, and you did it while high as a kite. You put your dick in this.

and this.

and this.

and this.

The only explanation for returning to training 100 hours a week and eating 30 pieces of french toast a day is if his dick falls off if he doesn’t. That’s about it. Sharks have to swim to survive, Phelps has to swim to fuck chicks in Las Vegas hotel rooms.