Gillie & Wallo's Knockout Party | Replay Available Until 12/17BUY NOW

Ebola Hits NYC, For Real This Time. Maybe.


NY Post – The Big Apple may have its first case of Ebola. A 33-year-old Doctors Without Borders physician who treated Ebola patients in Guinea and returned to New York City 10 days ago was rushed in an ambulance with police escorts from his Harlem home to Bellevue Hospital on Thursday, sources said. Craig Spencer was suffering from Ebola-like symptoms — a 103-degree fever and nausea, sources said.  Clad in hazmat suits, FDNY hazardous materials specials sealed off his fifth-floor apartment. Cops blocked off West 147th Street between Broadway and Amsterdam after he was taken to the hospital, witness Oscar Nunez said. “EMS HAZ TAC Units transferred to Bellevue Hospital a patient who presented a fever and gastrointestinal symptoms,” the Health Department wrote in a statement. Spencer had been working with Doctors Without Borders in Africa, treating Ebola patients in Guinea, sources said.

Obviously if I had my way, nobody would ever be allowed to go to Africa ever again. If I ran for President right now, that would be my whole platform. No Americans are allowed to come back to the US after going to Africa. Now, thats not realistic. Thats not going to happen. Idiots will always go to disease riddled third world countries and continents for all sorts of dumb ass reasons. “Travel the world” and “help others” and all that jazz. Dumb, but unavoidable. So my Plan B is pretty simple – we make a new island off the east coast of America. Lets put it somewhere in the middle of the eastern seaboard so that its equidistant to everyone in the north and the south. Let say right near the Carolinas or so, a couple hundred miles away from land. As a matter of fact, lets use this Hamilton Island:



What the fuck island is that? I’ve never heard of Hamilton Island. Nobody goes there. Thats the spot.

When you come back from Africa, you have to hang out there for like a month in some sort of isolated lab sorta thing. If you show no signs, you get to continue on home. If you have ebola, you are condemned to live on that island forever. Go hang out with all your other Ebola Buddies. It will be like online dating for people that have herpes. Everyone is in the same boat so you can all just hang out and talk about your common ground. How stupid you were to go to Africa and how you wish you never went. And then you just live out your days amongst all the other idiots with ebola and you dont infect the population.

We’ll rename it Ebola Island. And the purpose is 2 fold – 1) obviously the isolation and monitoring and quarantining will keep the spread of the disease contained. And 2) it will deter people from taking that trip to Africa anyway. If you have to spend a month on an island called “Ebola Island” upon returning from your trip from Africa you’ll probably say to yourself “is this really worth it?” and most likely cancel that trip altogether.

Wanna go to Africa? Check your lease, man! Because your living on Ebola Island!



PS – Let me just explain what happened on this Hamilton Island disaster. I googled “eastern seaboard map” and had the intention of just drawing Ebola Island in the middle of the ocean. But this popped up and I saw this “Hamilton” shit. So I googled Hamilton Island. Which is, in fact, an island. Its just off the coast of Australia. I didnt bother to read that part. I also didnt realize the other names on the maps were capitals. I ALSO thought Bermuda was further north than that. Long story short thats the perfect storm for me to think there was a place called Hamilton island off the coast of the Carolinas. I am a disaster with geography so I just never trust any sort of instincts. My detective work told me that was Hamilton Island. Never heard of it, but thats because I’m retarded geographically. Oh well. Whatever. The Ebola Purgatory Island Idea still stands.