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I Appreciate This Salamander That Doesn't Move For 7 Years And Then Goes And Has Sex

Independent - Salamanders play the long game, with many species living surprisingly long lives. But among these enduring amphibians, there is one outlier – the olm, also known as the proteus. 

It has been well documented that these small white cave-dwelling salamanders can live well into their hundreds, but scientists have now gained new insight into the creatures’ glacial pace of life.

In a study which makes sloths look recklessly hyperactive, divers documenting the movements of olms in Herzegovinian caves found that over a decade, individuals tended to move less than 10 metres in total. 

They are apparently only compelled to move in order to mate, which they do on average around once every 12.5 years.

“They are hanging around, doing almost nothing,” Dr Balázs told The New Scientist.


Big time appreciate post for the blogger of the ecosystem and my personal hero, the cave-dwelling salamander. Why is it the blogger of the ecosystem? Let me tell you. Before we moved to New York and everyone worked at home, before radio and podcasts, before around the clock videos and Instagram, there were just bloggers. And we sat in our homes all day every day and never moved unless it was time to open the door for the delivery man to bring lunch and dinner. Sometimes the only steps I would take in a day would be moving from my bed to the couch before returning to my bed again at night. And much like this salamander, I have sex about every 12.5 years. 

I will forever be envious of this salamander's outlook on life and it's dedication to "hanging around, doing almost nothing". It takes more dedication to doing literally nothing forever than to do something sometimes. And for that, we thank this salamander for its service.

There is only one downside to this reptile though, and it's sort of a huge downside:

these small white cave-dwelling salamanders can live well into their hundreds

And for that reason, I'm out. Well into my hundreds? No thank you. I never have understood the allure of living into your 100s. The second you can't wipe your own ass, it's curtains. The second you can't eat a steak or watch a hockey game, what is the point of life anymore? My memory at 31 is slipping away as it is, I'm scared to see where it'll be in 10 years, never mind 70. So while I'd love to live this guy's life, I'll have to pass if given the opportunity. Plus, I think it said these things are blind. What's the point of having sex every 12.5 years if you can't see some titties? Check mate.




PS: Never forget when Billy Football gave the presentation about internet safety and introduced us to the Fire Salamander.

That presentation was one of the hardest I've ever laughed. Hope he's doing well.