Some Dude In Southborough Was Slashing Tires Last Night And He May Have The Greatest Description Of All Time

(Feitelberg Artist sketch. Please be on the lookout for this man)

SOUTHBOROUGH – Police are searching for a hulking one-legged man driving an “ice cream-style” truck who allegedly slashed the tires of more than seven cars in a Rte. 9 parking lot during the Super Bowl. According to a release, police responded to Owen O’Leary’s Restaurant & Pub at 9:45 p.m. to investigate a report of vandalism. Witnesses told officers that a man had been refused service at the bar and had been asked to leave. Soon after, a bartender reported seeing the man in the parking lot slicing the tires of other customers.  “The suspect then left the business in a large, blue, ice cream-style truck, before officers could arrive on scene,” police wrote. “Over seven vehicles were vandalized by the suspect.” Police describe the suspect as a white, 6-feet-8-inches tall, weighing between 300 and 350 pounds. The man is further described as only having one leg and as talking with a southern accent.

Well this is a “you can’t make this stuff up…” case if I’ve ever seen one. Can you imagine being one of the cops taking these witness accounts? At what point do you stop and wonder if you’re on candid camera?

Yeah, officer, I saw the guy. He was driving an ice cream truck. He was huge, must have been almost 7 feet. Oh, and fat too. Super fat. Like 350 pounds. And he was missing a leg. You know what? He had a southern accent too. Real character, this guy.

I mean, my God. Put a gun to my head and tell me to make-up the most ridiculous person possible and I would never come close to a one-legged, drunk, giant with a southern accent driving an ice cream truck and slashing tires. Wouldn’t come CLOSE. That’s the kind of guy who makes Richard Kimble’s suspect look like a regular Joe.