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Bethel Johnson's YouTube Channel Has Me Thinking The Pats Should Re-Sign Him

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(YouTube) Bethel Johnson 2003-04 pro bowl alternate. He made plays when it counted the most.

 

As I’m sure everyone saw yesterday, the absolute only reason that the Pats lost is because Bethel Johnson put a hex on us the day the Pats traded him without telling him his leg was broken.

 

Now, here are the facts:

– Pats had 2 Super Bowls in 3 years with Bethel Johnson.

– Pats have zero Super Bowls since Bethel Johnson.

– Bethel Johnson promises that if the Pats re-sign him then he will lift the curse.

 

So I’ve been up all night doing research. I put on my GM hat and I’ve been exploring the idea of re-signing Johnson. Just trying to shake out the argument against it and, honestly, I can’t find one. Certainly nothing that trumps reversing magic spells. Here are some concerns I’d expect and a perfectly logical response to each…

 

1. “But Feits, Bethel can’t fucking catch!”

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Fair point. Johnson didn’t have great hands on the Pats. But if you’d look to the YouTube comment section, he astutely points out that there are no dropped passes on his highlight reel. I guess he fixed his case of the dropsies. Next question.

 

2. “Dude he’s been out of the league for like 6 years. He’s 34. No way he can still run like he used to.”

(YouTube)This is a video of us running 40’s only after three weeks of training with Coach Fly back on August 28, 2013. I started out running 4.39 and here are the results after only three weeks with Coach Fly.
WR/KOR, Bethel Johnson at 34 runs the 40 in 4.14 and 4.10.

 

4.14 and 4.10 on August 28th, 2013… is that good? Is that fast? What’s the folk tale about Bo Jackson’s 40 time, like a 4.2? Well Bethel Johnson just fucking smashed that. And don’t even try to say it’s not an accurate time because I counted in my head and if anything, he was faster.

 

3. “How would we even use him?”

 

Another good question. I’ve done some digging and found a Madden 2005 playbook that shines a light on just how underutilized Johnson was during his time here in New England. If you’ll just click to enlarge this photo…

 

madden

 

You’ll see that Bethel Johnson was actually the second best deep ball receiver in the entire video game. Brady to Johnson was a better weapon than Manning to Marvin Harrison. He was just as good as Randy Moss. With his new hands that he found after his career ended, he’s probably better than Randy Moss. Just think about that for a second. Get Bethel on the team then get that Madden play call in McDaniels’ hands and Brady would probably break Manning’s TD record in 2014. Pretty good.

 

4. “OK, you’re starting to convince me here. Any inside info on how his jumping ability held up? Gotta be able to jump to be a deep threat.”

 

 

Glad you asked. How ’bout 4 tractor tires? Yeah, I’d say he can go up and get it. You guys can have Megatron, give me Bethel “Voldemort” Johnson. He may be old and kind of fucks you with the curses, but there’s no denying the guy is a beast.

 

5. Whoaaaaa. Yup, I’m on board. Last question then I’ll join you in writing letters to the Krafts pleading to sign Bethel: what’s his golf game like?

 

 

Weird question but I happen to have the answer. Bethel’s game? Long and straight. 350 yards, and looking great in a pair of Jnco jean shorts while doing it.

 

So to break signing Bethel down to a pros and cons list:

Pros: No curses, speed, hands, a player with an incredibly high threshold for pain and inability to feel broken bones, “plays when they matter most” according to him, a legendary deep threat on a receiving core with a bunch of short white dudes, stylish golf buddy for Brady, Super Bowl Championships

Cons: ….?

 

 

I don’t know why the Pats wouldn’t at least take a chance on the guy. Sure, the curse may be fake and the whole thing is just silly. But, on the other hand, what if it isn’t? What if it’s a real curse and the Pats don’t win a Super Bowl for another 100 years? We’d look back on this day and remember just how stupid we were for not extending the olive branch and re-signing Johnson. Ask Cubs fans what that’s like. Ask them, if possible, would they go back in time and let that goat into Wrigley? Bet they would. We have that chance right now, it would be stupid to pass up. #SignBethel #ReverseTheCurse