Jessica Simpson was on Jimmy Kimmel a couple of nights ago, promoting her new memoir by casually dropping random bits and pieces about her very odd (I don't know if "odd" is necessarily the right word here but we'll go it) life. For example, do you know who her first acting coach was?
Yup. The one and only Chuck Norris. I mean, who better than Walker Texas Ranger to teach a young, impressionable girl the skills needed to be taken seriously as an actress. Only he could give invaluable career lessons that involved taping down her eyebrows with masking tape while directing her to "channel her inner Denzel Washington."
And after giving every viewer the aha moment of "this explains so much," she goes on to talk about her grown-up relationship with some of the people she met from the Micky Mouse Club.
“I knew Justin Timberlake very well. After [my] divorce and he was out of a relationship, he was, like, over at my house, and we shared a nostalgic kiss. I thought, ‘Oh, this is interesting,’” she continued. “And he took his phone out and started typing. And I was like, ‘Okay, I hope that’s not, like, another girl. Like, did I, like, stick my tongue out too much or, you know?'
Apparently him and Ryan Gosling had a bet on who would kiss me first when they were 12-years-old,” she explained. “And so, he texted Ryan and said he won the bet. And I was like, ‘Oh, okay. Um … So we don’t kiss again? That’s done.'”
In news that should surprise no one: Justin Timberlake is a total prick. A really talented prick, but a prick nonetheless. What is shocking, however, is finding out that he's a complete and total moron.
Here he is: newly single and a guest in Jessica Simpson's house. The Newlyweds cameras are gone, along with her marriage, and Justin finds himself kissing her for the very first time. They have known each other for over 10 years and, yet, nothing has ever happened between them so this is kind of a big moment.
Or at least it was until he quickly pulled his tongue out of her mouth to pull his phone out so he could text Ryan Gosling, "I WON THE BET!"
What. A. LOSER.
You just kissed this woman:
And your first reaction is to text a dude about a bet you two made before you hit puberty? A time when your sheets woke up wet from dreaming of a girl exactly like the one that's next to you right now? But instead of exploring her, you choose to have a text conversation with Ryan Gosling about an ancient bet?
JT: "Hey bruh, guess who finally won the bet?"
RG: "Huh? What bet?"
"THE bet. You know the bet we made like 13 years ago?"
"Why would I remember a bet we made 13 years ago?"
"Ryan, man, come on! It's all I've thought about for over a decade. It's all I thought about on the drive over to Jessica's house, and as it was happening, I couldn't wait for it to be over so I could text you!"
"Oh shit. When were you at her house? Did you guys hook up?"
"Well, no. The bet was who would kiss her first, so we didn't get to anything else because the moment it happened I grabbed my phone to text you."
"Hang on. You're there right now?"
"She's next to you as you're texting me?"
"Why the fuck are you texting me instead of sexing her right now?!!"
"Well, I just wanted to tell you bc I fi-"
"Justin. Stop texting me."
"Oh ok. Well, I'll call you in a few on my way home. She doesn't look too happy with me."
Pre-pubescent JT would slap the shit out of grown-up JT!
As far as Ryan Gosling is concerned, I bet he wasn't friends with Justin after that - he just couldn't look him in the eyes anymore. Shame really, but in the end, we all make mistakes. I just hope Justin got a little wiser with age and isn't the same moron that once stopped to text his buddy after a single kiss with her: