Manhattan Man Suing The City For $2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

Gothamist – We’ve encountered plenty of lawsuits about nothing and lawsuits that might as well have been about nothing, but a lawsuit filed this week by a Manhattan man may take the cake for greatest lawsuit about nothing. Anton Purisima is suing NYC, Au Bon Pain, Hoboken University, LaGuardia Airport, the MTA, and (literally) thousands more people for $2,000 decillion, which up until today, we thought was only used as a joke amount. And it’s apparently over a dog bite. Lowering The Bar has an excerpt from the suit (note: the “Does 1-1000″ refers to a thousand ‘John Does’) from the 62-year-old Purisima, who has previously sued the People’s Republic of China, several major banks (including Wells Fargo, JP Morgan, and Wachovia), and a whole lot of other people:

Anton Purisima v. Au Bon Pain Store, Carepoint Health, Hoboken University Medical Center, Kmart Store 7749, St. Luke’s Emergency Dept., New York City Transit Authority, City of New York, NYC MTA, LaGuardia Airport Administration, Amy Caggiula, Does 1-1000, Case No. 1:14 CV 2755 (S.D.N.Y. filed 4/11/2014).Civil rights violations, personal injury, discrimination on national origin, retaliation, harassment, fraud, attempted murder, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and conspiracy to defraud. $2,000 decillion ($2,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000).

Pro Se

So what inspired this historic lawsuit? Purisima claims that his middle finger was bitten off by a “rabies-infected” dog on a city bus; then a “Chinese couple” took photos of him as he was being treated; he’s routinely overcharged for coffee at LaGuardia Airport (not sure how this is related, but it’s in there); and there are other additional damages that “cannot be repaired by money” and are “therefore priceless.” Except it’s not priceless, because he’s valued it at two undecillion dollars, or “two octillion gigadollars,” or more simply, the number 2 with 36 zeroes behind it. For some context, xkcd crunched the numbers, and concluded that this amount of money basically doesn’t exist: “Even if Au Bon Pain conquers the planet and puts everyone to work for them from now until the stars die, they wouldn’t make a dent in the bill.”

I know a lot of people are gonna look at 2 undecillion dollars and think thats completely outrageous. How can anyone sue for two octillion gigadollars? Well did you read the lawsuit? Dude got his fucking finger bitten off by a rabid dog. Was harassed by Asian tourists with cameras. And has been overcharged for coffee at LaGuardia. That sums up everything that sucks about New York City. Its a dirty, weird, dangerous place with Asians taking pictures and expensive coffee. So I, for one, think $2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 is pretty appropriate. If you had to quantify how awful this city can be, 2 undecillion sounds about right. I mean the overpriced coffee is probably about 1 undecillion all by itself. Once a rabid dog eats your finger you just double that shit up.