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Here's A Story About The Time Ellen Screwed Me Out Of Free Tickets To The Sox Tonight



Thought Ellen likes tits?


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Unleaded? Nah, I take Diesel.





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Ellen also asked us to take a scary picture with strangers… BOO!


What transpired yesterday was one of the all-time screw jobs in history. Around 3 o’clock Ellen tweeted that she would be giving away Red Sox tickets to the best dressed Green Monsters at Marsh Plaza. I figured, Hey I like baseball and have zero shame. Could be an opportunity for me.


So I show up to BU and paint myself in the middle of the road. It looked like some sort of homeless/Alien bukkake fetish porn as I dumped green paint all over myself in front of 100s of on-lookers, but it got the job done. Once I arrived on set, I think I actually laughed out loud. Threw up a fist pump in excitement, as I knew I was going to the World Series.


Everyone there was just terribly dressed. People in Green Man costumes, original. People with Dominos boxes colored green and a hole cut in the middle for their face (supposed to be the actual Green Monster, I presume). People in Monsters Inc costumes. There was even one guy who just put green stickers on his face. That was it. Green stickers. Needless to say, I was confident. Very confident. But, what transpired next was one off the all time screwjobs in sports ticket contest history.


3 o’clock turned into 4. 5 o’clock brought sundown. 6 o’clock brought rain. With each passing second I knew that smooth-dancing lesbian was screwing me. You know how they if the judges are taking too long it means somebody is getting fucked, well it’s true. The bonesaw was out and it was being given to me. People could taste it in the air. A few people walked by and said, “If you don’t win it’s rigged.” Well, the facts speak for themselves. I had the best costume, the people agreed, yet I walked away in the rain with my paint melting off my body and zero World Series tickets in hand. If that’s not an inside job then I don’t know what is.