Kansas Man Loses Custody Battle Against His Ex-Wife, Does The Only Logical Thing And Challenges Her To Trial By Combat

(Source)–David Ostrom, 40, claims in court papers that ex-wife Bridgette Ostrom, 38, and her attorney, Matthew Hudson, have already “destroyed (him) legally” in their ongoing legal battle in her hometown in Iowa.

“I now wish to give them the chance to meet me on the field of battle, where I will REND THEIR SOULS from their … bodies,” Ostrom wrote in the filing, according to the Carroll Times Herald.

He asked the judge for a three-month delay so he could obtain Japanese samurai swords ready for his planned combat.

“Although the respondent and potential combatant do have souls to be rended, they respectfully request that the court not order this done,” Hudson wrote, according to the reports.

I feel bad for this guy. I don’t know the circumstances around the divorce, but in his statement he admitted legal defeat. Just down on his luck, single at 40, kids taken from him, probably broke from dealing with asshole lawyers, he’s out of options. He probably went home to his sad little apartment in Kansas, fired up the Netflix account that he pays for, but his wife still has the password to because of course and put on Marriage Story. He let out an UGLY cry and saw the scene where Adam Driver screams “HE HAS TO KNOW I FOUGHT FOR HIM” and a lightbulb went off. He took that scene extremely literally. He wants his kids to know that he fought for them. And no better way to get that message across than to offer a trial by combat against their mom with samurai swords with the hope that her douche bag lawyer who took you for every penny would be her combatant. Fool proof plan.

Husband: Your Honor, I request Trial By Combat

Judge: That is not a thing

Husband: It’s not not a thing

Judge: So you want a sword fight to the death to prove that you are a stable and capable father?

Husband: Yes

Judge: Yeah, I think we made the right called. Motion denied.

At least when his supervised visitation is over, his kids will know that their dad is a BAD ASS who was willing to battle it out for them. So that is kind of a win. They’ll always be able to win the “my dad is stronger than your dad” argument. Definitely stronger than their next dad too. Big day.