Telegraph, December 16th, 2002 - A court has rejected a 60-year-old man’s attempt to invoke the ancient right to trial by combat, rather than pay a £25 fine for a minor motoring offence. Leon Humphreys remained adamant yesterday that his right to fight a champion nominated by the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA) was still valid under European human rights legislation. He said it would have been a “reasonable” way to settle the matter. Magistrates sitting at Bury St Edmunds on Friday had disagreed and instead of accepting his offer to take on a clerk from Swansea with “samurai swords, Ghurka knives or heavy hammers”, fined him £200 with £100 costs. Humphreys, an unemployed mechanic, was taken to court after refusing to pay the original £25 fixed penalty for failing to notify the DVLA that his Suzuki motorcycle was off the road. After entering a not guilty plea, he threw down his unconventional challenge. Humphreys, from Bury St Edmunds, said: “I was willing to fight a champion put up by the DVLA, but it would have been a fight to the death.”
If there’s one place that Trial By Combat should still be available, its the DMV. Its the one place on earth that still operates like its fucking Medieval Times so we might as well invoke the traditions of that era as well. Like Tyrion said “I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you. I’d gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it. I know I’ll get no justice here, so I will let the Gods decide my fate.” That applies perfectly to the DMV. Everyone is a cocksucker. Everything is unfair. You always get fucked.
So Fuck your $100 fine. I’d rather fight that fat sassy black chick barking out orders sending me to the back of another line to the death. Grab your heaviest hammer, Shadynasty – we’ll see who the Gods believe you fucking bitch.
When you really think about it, Trial By Combat is like the original Ball Don’t Lie. Leon Humphreys here felt he didn’t need to pay that 200 dollar fine and was prepared to fight to the death with samurai swords to prove it. He knew that ticket was bogus, the Gods knew that ticket was bogus, and Trial By Combat would prove it. Guarantee these magistrates knew it was bogus too and thats why they backed down. They knew Leon Humphrey would deliver a deathblow to some DMV employee across the face with a heavy hammer and be like “Ball don’t lie.”
PS – Which Dinklage character is more badass: Tyrion or Miles Finch?