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The Vatican Announces The Jesus Used To Tweet Before Twitter Was Even Invented

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(UPI)Long before Twitter, Jesus Christ was the original tweeter, according to Vatican cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi, because his statements were “brief and full of meaning.” At a conference Wednesday, Ravasi said Christ “used tweets before everyone else, with elementary phrases made up of fewer than 45 characters like ‘Love one another’.”

 

 

Can you imagine how annoying Jesus Christ would be on Twitter? He’d be a mix of all the worst kinds of people on it. Begging for follows from everyone, tweeting out bullshit inspirational quotes like “Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day’s own trouble be sufficient for the day,” that he thinks make him look deep. You know the people who brag when they had a good day at work, or got a promotion? Yup, he’d be that person too. “Just cured a blind man, fed a town with one fish and fucked a prostitute. Crushing work recently!” Hell, he’d probably even be a drunk tweeter, like some kind of high schooler. “Out to supper with the bros! John is literally getting drunk off my blood so I must be some kind of cfucked UUP!!!”

 

No fucking thanks. Sorry, Jesus and Vatican, but JC would get the unfollow from me so fast it would make your head spin.