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Congrats To Oxford, Massachusetts Which Finally Got Incorporated As A Town In Massachusetts

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OXFORD After 300 years, it is finally official. Oxford was incorporated on July 8, 1713. At least that is what the Legislature voted this year. State Sen. Richard T. Moore, D-Uxbridge, was joined by state representatives Paul K. Frost, R-Auburn, and Ryan C. Fattman, R-Webster, at last night’s selectmen’s meeting to announce the news. Mr. Moore said researchers were unable to find an official record that the town was incorporated 300 years ago. “Maybe it was hijacked,” he said. “Despite the best efforts of the Oxford police, state police and National Guard, the date of incorporation could not be found.” Mr. Moore said.

 

Well that’s got to be a pretty shitty feeling. Everyone is all kinds of excited to celebrate the big tricentennial so they send someone down to check the town charter, so they can start planning the party. Then all of a sudden, whoops! No town charter. Not actually a town in Massachusetts. Never been one. Have to imagine that’s what it’s like for adopted kids on their 16th birthday, when their parents finally tell them that they have no blood relation and if they got kidnapped it would be more like replacing a pet rather than a child.

 

But how bad must you be kicking yourself if you’re from Oxford? You’re the guy who won the lottery and didn’t even know. You had your golden ticket and forgot to cash it in. You weren’t a town in Massachusetts! You were, like Petoria, a sovereign nation. You could have been ignoring all our stupid alcohol laws the whole time. Could have been drinking alcohol at discounted prices during Happy Hour and been buying beers before noon on Sunday. You know, real Kennedy smuggler outlaw shit. But, you had to lose the lottery ticket behind the couch, so you never had any idea you won, like a couple of fucking morons.