The big story of the day so far is obviously the fact that Rolling Stone took a break from writing profiles of Bob Dylan and putting the selfies of dreamboat child killers on their cover to do a 10,000 word piece about Aaron Hernandez. As a public service to Barstool readers – to save your precious time so you can get back to important matters like brainstorming Fantasy Football team names and jerking it to today’s Wake Up – let me summarize the whole article for you:
1) Aaron Hernandez likes Angel Dust.
2) Aaron Hernandez likes killing guys.
3) Bill Belichick is an arrogant, evil, wretched little prick who’d burn an orphanage to the ground in the middle of the night if it would help him pick up a first down.
The author is some guy named Paul Solotaroff “with Ron Borges.” I’ll leave it to your speculation who wrote which parts. Here are the only takeaways any of us should igive a rat’s taint about:
[A] handful of teams pulled him off their boards, and 25 others let him sink like a stone on draft day, April 24th. Only one team took the bait, burning a midround pick on a guy with “character issues”: the stoop-to-conquer Patriots of Bill Belichick. Time was, the Pats were the Tiffany franchise, a team of such sterling moral repute that they cut a player right after they drafted him, having learned he had a history of assaulting women. But Beli-chick, the winner of three Super Bowl titles and grand wizard of the greatest show on turf, had decided long before he got to New England that such niceties were beneath him. Over a decade, he’d been aggregating power unto himself, becoming the Chief Decider on personnel matters. He signed so many players bearing red flags they could have marched in Moscow’s May Day parade (Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, et al.), and began drafting kids with hectic pasts, assuming the team’s vets would police them. Some of this was arrogance, some of it need: When you’re picking from the bottom of the deck each spring, you’re apt to shave some corners to land talent…
But the seeds of the fiasco were sown years earlier, when Belichick replaced the Pats’ security chief with a tech-smart Brit named Mark Briggs… who’d managed security at London’s Wembley Stadium and had limited street associates in the States, the tips from cops and troopers dried up… In his first remarks after Odin Lloyd’s murder, Robert Kraft described himself as “duped” by Hernandez, saying he’d had no knowledge of his troubles. That is arrant nonsense: Every team knew him as a badly damaged kid with a circle of dangerous friends and a substance problem. Once a Patriot, Hernandez practically ran up a banner that said STOP ME! I’M OUT OF CONTROL!…
According to a source close to Hernandez, he flew to the NFL Combine in Indianapolis this past February and confided to Belichick that his life was in danger. Hernandez was trying to break away from the gangsters he’d befriended. He worried “they were actually trying to kill him,” says the source. Hernandez began arming himself… This past spring he skipped out on team training drills, going to California to rehab an aching shoulder [but] stood up Tom Brady, who was running a camp for Pats receivers. Worse, the police were called out to his Hermosa Beach rental on March 25th, summoned by his fiancee, Shayanna Jenkins, after a loud dispute during which Hernandez put his fist through a window. No arrest was made, but word got back to Belichick, who exploded and tendered notice: Any more disruptions and he’d be traded or cut at the end of the 2013 season.
And that’s all you need to hear. It’s all a rehash of what we’ve known for weeks. But for Borges part, he goes right to his wheelhouse: Portraying The Hooded One as a conniving, power mad little Machiavelli and Mr. Kraft is a duplicitous liar, both of whom knew damn well what kind of homicidal lunatic they had running routes for them. They just didn’t care. Not withstanding they’d hired a world class, internationally recognized security professional who’d protected Wembley Stadium from terror threats and soccer riots to keep an eye on things. No, in Borges’ world, even though the security chief doesn’t know the tight end is running around killing people, the cops don’t know, and even reporters like Copy & Paste Borges don’t know, that’s Belichick’s fault. And he and the owner still HAVE to know. But Belichick let people die anyway because “such niceties are beneath him.” That’s Ctrl+C’s entire playbook and now he’s brought it to Rolling Stone. There’s nothing else you need to know about the article. You’re welcome.
PS. There were a couple of useful nuggets. Like the part about how Belichick “exploded” on Hernandez. I like that visual of him going all banana sandwich in the face of a mass murderer without any fear or remorse. That, and the expression “stoop to conquer.” I don’t know what it means exactly, but that’s some good wordsmithing there. I’m so using it. @JerryThornton1