Barstool Confessions: Go Into The Weekend With A Clear Conscience

Going to try and do these every Friday so we can all have a perfectly clean conscience to muddy over the next 48 hours. Tweet at me (@JFeitelberg) or just use #BarstoolConfessions with your darkest secrets so we can get them out there and all feel better about ourselves.

1. I’m at the stage in my laundry cycle where I bypass the smell test and just make sure I haven’t used the shirt as a cum rag.

2. Once, on a particularly fat day, I said I was “too bloated” to have sex. So I think I’m part woman.

3. If I have that distinct nut smell, the one you know you’re supposed to hate but you don’t, I will always find a reason to scratch my nuts then my nose.

4. When I wear headphones in the office I’m literally never listening to music. I just don’t want people to talk to me.

5. I once had a nightmare that Flower Tucci waterboarded me.

6. Annually speaking, there are more days when I don’t shower than there are days when I tuck in my shirt.

7. I genuinely believe that strippers like me.

8. I think I smoked crack once. I’m not sure. I was in Spain and a homeless guy on church steps offered me a hit of a pipe. I took it and it definitely was not weed.

9. I think yellow American cheese is exclusively for poor people.

10. I’m such a Narcissist that when I walk down the street the only thing I’m looking for is the next car or storefront window to look at myself in.