Google Says We Can't Reasonably Expect Them To Not Read All Our Emails

(HuffPo) — Google doesn’t believe that people can reasonably expect their emails to stay private. At least, that’s what the internet giant articulated in a brief that was filed last month in federal court and recently surfaced by Consumer Watchdog. The document was written in response to a class-action lawsuit accusing Google of violating wiretap law when it scans emails to serve up targeted ads. Plantiffs accuse Google of violating the privacy of its users by mining their personal messages for information that it uses to inform which targeted ads it displays. The suit calls for Google to fully disclose exactly what information it’s taking from emails, and to pay damages for these alleged violations of privacy. The company argued in its motion to dismiss the lawsuit that “all users of email must necessarily expect that their emails will be subject to automated processing.”

Whoa, you’re telling me the multi-billion dollar corporation who does anything I want for free may sell some of my personal information for profit?! Not that! Look, I’m a 25 year old blogger because I was too dumb to do anything else. They’re a hive of mega-geniuses who list 12,523,655 results in 0.32 seconds whenever I search for “gynecomastia.” They send my emails to space and back in the snap of a finger. If they want to read my emails, they’re gonna do it. Ain’t shit I can do to stop it. So you want to check out my personal information? Have at it. My mom’s “FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD:” emails and the fart jokes I make with my co-workers all day will literally make you dumber. Read it all you want, I have nothing to hide except crippling immaturity and a zeal for creampies.