How The Hell Am I Supposed To Keep Up With This Space Ship Oral Sex Vibrator?

Huff Po - Looking more like a space-age bauble than intimate aid, the Ora vibrator mimics the movements of the tongue to create “the world’s most sophisticated oral sex simulator,” its maker says. As seen in the video above, a nub pushes through the surface, flicking or swirling according to the setting. At least one outlet is sold. Trends spotter Refinery29 wrote: “It’s certainly a bit less intimidating than prior attempts at creating an oral-sex simulator (essentially, a bunch of neon-pink ‘tongues’ on a rotating wheel). And, its easy-to-grip handle and relatively small size make it a great choice for solo use or action with a partner.” Vibrators seem to be getting quite the makeover these days, from the scary to thespiritual. They don’t seem to be getting cheaper, though. The Ora, from Swedish company LELO, will set you back $169. But if “wave after wave of pleasure” is what you’re after, then perhaps price is no obstacle.

Let me ask you an honest question – how am I supposed to compete with this futuristic pussy licker with my own human tongue? My flesh and blood dick? How can I possible please a punani better than this flying saucer orgasm device? This vibrator looks like something straight out of Ancient Aliens. I could just see this asshole:

telling me that Ancient Astronaut Theorists believe Virgin Mary was able to stay a virgin her whole life because extra terrestrials brought her this device to keep her satisfied. Its got 3 speeds and 5 motions and the best part is when you’re done it flies back to outer space to return to its home on Neptune.

Christ almighty the competition is tough out there these days. My jaw is locking and my tongue is cramping and all she’s thinking is, “when’s this gonna be over? My UFO vibrator would have gotten me off 5 times already.” And listen this isn’t a pride thing. This is a practicality thing. Read my blog on sex and golf, I’ll readily tell you I’m bad at sex. I just want to make sure I’m on the same page chicks. I know your spacecraft vibrator can do a better job than me, so lets cut to the chase. Don’t waste my time and I won’t waste yours. Let me just use that thing, get you off, then turn you over and give you like 7 pumps doggiestyle so I get mine. Most efficient use of time with the most desirable results.