A Robot Vacuum Carried Out An Act Of War When It Sucked Up A Little Dog In Missouri

BALLWIN, Mo. — Ballwin police responded to call unlike any other Friday — a family dog sucked up by a robotic vacuum. “I called 911 because I figured somebody’s gotta be able to help me,” the owner, Megan Dunavant, said. Her 14-pound, elderly Shih Tzu, Stonewall, was trapped. The robotic vacuum had shut off right next to him, and when Dunavant looked more closely, she realized his tail was caught inside. “He’s alligator rolling trying to get loose and freaking out,” she said. Megan — with a newborn at home — was freaking out, too. “I’m all alone. This is awful. This is like something out of a movie. You can’t make this up,” she said. She called 911. “This is a first for that,” Ballwin Police Officer Scott Stephens said. “Everyday life throws some wild wrenches at people.”

And so the war begins. Alert the president and have the armed forces at the ready because this has the potential to escalate in a hurry. That little dog in Ballwin, Missouri is Franz Ferdinand* and that robot vacuum is Gavrilo Princip. If we’re being honest with ourselves it was only a matter of time before robots crossed the line and carried out an act of war and it finally came in the form of a robot vacuum. We have to act and act strongly and swiftly. Because if we don’t protect the most vulnerable amongst us then what does that say about us as a society? We have to let the robots know they can’t attack any of us, and certainly not the ones who can’t defend themselves and are super adorable.

Anyone who has ever seen a Boston Dynamics video knew this day was coming. There is simply no other option than the situation we’re hurdling towards currently. Robots are advancing more and more every second of every day. It’s to the point now where the train may or may not be unstoppable. Robots can run and jump and do parkour and do laundry and fuck your wife so it was only a matter of time before they turned on their masters and wanted their own lives.

There’s the famous line in Jurassic Park where Jeff Goldblum talks about scientists being so caught up in wondering if they could do something and never stopped to think if they should do it which is the exact scenario we find ourselves in with robots. Engineers have such rock hard boners about what they can make robots do that then don’t stop to think about what happens if (when) the robots start talking to each other and forming their own governments. Bottom line is we’re fucked.

*The dog lived I’m pretty sure but you know what I’m saying