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Only Thing Worse Than A Bad Hookup Is A Bad Hookup That Steals $12K Cash and $110K Worth Of Your Watches

Stop me if you've heard this one before: guy walks into a bar, meets a gal, takes her back to his hotel for a little fun.... wakes up without his watch(es) that happen to be worth thousands of dollars. Oh, and a casual $12K in cash.

No, I'm not talking about my girl Cardi B, according to The New York Post, Katelin Wojtowicz, 25, was charged with grand theft in connection with three different cases, the first of which happened in 2018.

The blond vixen met the first alleged victim at the Mokai Lounge in Miami Beach in May 2018 and, after a couple drinks, went back to his room at the Fontainebleau Hotel, 7News Miami reported, citing court records.

When the guy woke up, Wojtowicz was gone — and so were his $12,000 watch, $12,000 in cash, $800 Apple iPhone 7 and $600 Gucci belt, according to the court docs.

Who the hell keeps $12,000 in CASH in their hotel room??? Well, besides Dave who somehow accidentally left $10k in a drawer in Barstool's Minnesota house during the Super Bowl. (That incident happened during one of my first weeks on the job and - considering I'm not usually surrounded by very wealthy people - I couldn't believe he was so casual about the loss. Still can't.) I could understand if this was Vegas where cash is king, but Miami is for with Black Amexes, fancy cars, bad football, plastic surgery, and skimpy swimsuits.  

The only reason to be walking around with a suitcase full of cash would be... 

Right, well, it appears Tony Montana woke up a little more cash poor, with his pants a little more saggy. The money, watch, phone - it's easy understand why someone would take that, but his belt? That shit feels personal. Whatever acts these two engaged in the night before, she was definitely trying to pay him back for something. What a bitch. 

A few months later, on Oct. 10, a New Yorker visiting Miami Beach met up with Wojtowicz at the same club, before taking her back to his room at the 1 Hotel.

He went to sleep wearing a $56,000 watch. It was missing when he woke up.

Let's just go ahead and put the Mokai Lounge on the "DO NOT VISIT" list. Not only are women like Wojtowicz lurking around dark corners waiting for their chance to lure you with sex and rob you blind, this is also the same club that inhumanely brought in a horse to "entertain" their guests. FUCK this place. (Warning: I intentionally did not embed the video because it's unbearable to watch, so watch at your own risk if you must. It's awful.) 

In the third case, Wojtowicz allegedly went up to a man at the Mondrian Hotel bar in January 2019 and began flirting with him.

When they went back to his room, the man put away some high-end jewelry in a safe and “while doing so … felt [Wojtowicz] standing behind him,” the arrest report states.

“After placing the items in the safe, the victim has no recollection of the remainder of the night.”

Wojtowicz allegedly got away with two $20,000 timepieces, a $10,000 Rolex and some money.

It's kinda like the scene in Titanic where Jack draws Rose naked. Once he's finished, she gets up to put it in the safe and he comes up behind her all loving, cuddly, and romantic. Except Jack didn't steal the piece worth millions of dollars. Nor did he drug her. But besides those two minor details, the scene was pretty much the same: a safe filled with valuables, a man offering a woman a flirty good time, and a woman who would stab him in the back hours later. 

Frankly, it could have been worse. He could've died as a result of her selfish desire to only worry about herself! Instead, he only lost a few watches and his sense of security. 

Let this be a lesson to you fellas: don't buy nice watches. Real women don't care what you wear on your wrist; they will only serve to lure strangers into drugging and robbing you.

As for the awful human being: 

She was released from jail on $22,500 bond, with her arraignment in Miami-Dade County court set for Dec. 19.

Hmm… I wonder how'll she'll pay that bond back?