It's Time To Get Back In Shape

Everyone — well, mostly everyone — has their fat threshold. The point where they say, “K, this has gotten out of hand,” and begin to watch their weight again. The point varies with each person. For some, it’s simply the ability to pinch fat; for others, it’s when they can’t see their dick. For me, it’s when I watch a commercial about a baby breastfeeding on a man and can conceivably see that happening to me. You’d think I’d have realized it earlier, having nipples that NatGeo would blur, but I didn’t. It’s the fear of an areola-job from an infant that jolted me back into reality.  So here we go. Feitelberg Workout Plan: Operation Pick Things Up and Put Them Down.

Step 1: Fitness test

Step 2: New diet. Dip and coffee. I’ve been saying this forever, nicotine and caffeine diet could be the hottest thing in Hollywood. Nicotine, hunger suppressant and laxative. Caffeine, hunger suppressant and laxative. Keeps you from putting carbs in the body and expels everything. On this everyone gets model skinny. And if you’re worried about the mouth cancer, a jaw probably weighs like 2 pounds. You’re welcome.

Step 3: Join a gym

Don’t need to join a gym when you work in one. Mix in some floating feet and like a prayers between mediocre blog posts and I’ll be living in Rip City by August.

Step 4: