I don't need a lot of reasons to love Kyle Schwarber any more. He's your textbook guys' guy that loves hitting bombs and motor boating big hooters. He's as midwest as midwest gets. There's the old story that He Could Have Played Linebacker At Ohio State If He Wanted Too But He Didn't. Which, objectively speaking, is a story that simply just doesn't get old. Especially when you're like me and you want to consistently glorify the seemingly Regular Joe that has captivated the hearts and minds of Cubs fans everywhere.
But Kyle Schwarber sucks!
Go fuck yourself.
No he doesn't.
Kyle Schwarber is VERY good at baseball and I'm not turning this blog into a HERES WHY KYLE SCWARBER IS SO GOOD. Look the numbers up yourself. You won't be disappointed with his statistical excellence.
For now, let's limit our focus to Stone Cold Kyle Schwarber, an emerging national sex icon:
Credit because you know that vest isn't store bought. He jeweled and bedazzled it himself, likely under the hot glue gun supervision of his old lady. Whatever. It's the personal touch that goes the extra mile for me.
Which results in some follow up questions. I mean now we know he's such a diehard, it would make sense that…
Kyle Schwarber has to walk-up to Stone Cold's music, right?
That's a yes from me Gene.
If Kyle Schwarber is Stone Cold, what does that make Javy, KB and Rizzo?
Javy = Shawn Michaels. Sex sex and more sex.
KB = The Rock. Be a bigger professional. You can't.
Rizzo = Undertaker. Durable, huge and terrifying.
Last Question - With All This In Mind - Is Kyle Schwarber still the best at beating the shift?
Hmmmmm. Let me think.