MOBILE, Ala. — A south Alabama jury has decided a farm owner should pay a former worker $4 million in damages for an on-the-job accident that left the man with skinned genitals. AL.com reports that Gerald Lymon was holding onto the boom of a hole digger that was being driven by another man during a project in August 2010. When the drill bit hit a hard piece of ground, Lymon lost his footing and his pants got tangled in the rotating drill. The machine’s force pulled at his clothes until his genitals became entangled and his skin was ripped off. Lymon’s attorney said the men were not operating the machinery properly and Lymon should not have had to hold it steady. Jurors said the farm owner failed to provide a safe workplace.
Sign me up. I’ll skin my nuts right fucking now for 4 million bucks. No permanent damage. Everything still intact. Plus a 4 million dollar bonus. You gotta be crazy not to do this.
Now don’t get me wrong, skinned genitals sounds atrocious. I’m envisioning something like an Indian Burn that people used to do on your forearm when you were a kid. Remember those? I’m envisioning that except about a billion times worse and you end up with a scalped ballsack. Your nuts end up lookin like a pair of peeled kiwis. And who knows how that skin grows back. Nothing quite as weird as scrotum skin. Its all stretchy and can expand and contract like an accordion. That may never grow back the same. So trust me, I don’t take a ballsack skinning lightly.
I’m just saying as nothing as nothing ruptures or is punctured or smashed or mangled, I think I’ll take the 4 million dollar payday. Obviously when push comes to shove if I had to lay down in a chair and let someone take a potato peeler to my sack, I couldn’t go through with it. But if I could sign for some random workplace accident when I least expect it, I’d probably take it.