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Witness Says They Saw Kellen Winslow Jerking Off In His Car

Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 9.40.10 AM – When Jets tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. wasarrested for possession of synthetic marijuana outside a Target in East Hanover back in November, police were called to the scene because a woman thought she saw him masturbating in his vehicle in the parking lot, according to court documents. The redacted incident report from East Hanover police shows that on Nov. 19 at 5:30 p.m., cops responded to a call from a woman who said she had parked her vehicle in a spot to the right of a black Cadillac Escalade outside the Target along Route 10. A man was sitting inside the Escalade with the window open, said the woman, whose name was redacted in the incident report. That man would later be identified as Winslow, 30, who lives in Madison.

From the report:

As she exited her vehicle, she commented to the male regarding how cold it was. As she stood near the open driver side window of the Escalade, she observed the males [sic] erect penis. She stated that she believed he was masturbating. [The woman] provided a written statement regarding her account.

By the time police arrived, an officer found Winslow allegedly “slouched in his seat and moving around.” Winslow sprang to an upright position when the officer arrived. When the cop asked Winslow what he was doing, Winslow allegedly said he was looking for Boston Market but was lost. The cop noticed Winslow was wearing “dark colored” sweatpants and wrote that “his genitals were not exposed.” But the cop also noticed “two open containers of Vaseline on his center console” and plastic bags marked “Mr. Happy” and empty plastic containers of “Funky Monkey” scattered throughout the vehicle. Winslow allegedly told police he smoked the “Mr. Happy” and “Funky Monkey” at his home to relax because the NFL doesn’t drug test for it, and that he buys the stuff on the internet and at gas stations. Police say he consented to a vehicle search, and after a few items were seized into evidence, Winslow was free to go.

I’m pissed! I’m a fuckin soldier! I’ma jerk off with vaseline in my car in the parking lot of Target high on synthetic marijuana! I’m not sure how this is Kellen Winslow’s fault really. Some chick gets out of her car and wants to small talk about the weather. She’s the one that walks up to your driver side door. Like hey lady can’t you tell I’m smoking some K2 and I’m trying to jerk off? Mind your own fucking business. Point me in the right direction to the nearest Boston Market and go talk with someone else about the cold. Not like Kellen Winslow called her over there like “Hey come look at me masturbating.” Thats like pulling someone’s pants down and then claiming it was indecent exposure or some shit. Kellen Winslow was getting high and jerking off in the privacy of his own Escalade. You were the one who went snooping for that dick.

PS – I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before but jerking off with Vaseline is so over the top and dramatic its not even funny. Your dick just ends up like this weatherproof spear with water beading up on it like a windshield with Rain X