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Does This Look Like The Face Of A Hackensack...Man? Woman?... Arrested For Burglary?

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NJ - A 35-year-old Hackensack man is being held in the Bergen County Jail after being arrested for breaking into a New Milford home, while the couple who owned it were asleep, and stealing several laptop computers, a debit card and other items, the authorities said Monday. New Milford Police Chief Frank Papapietro said Chris A. Connolly was arrested Friday outside his apartment on Polifly Road in Hackensack and charged with the burglary. Connolly was held in lieu of $50,000 bail. Papapietro said the investigation started when the couple reported that their home had been burglarized while they slept, sometime between 1 and 5:30 a.m. last Wednesday. In addition to the laptops and the debit card, the couple told police the burglar had taken a camcorder, passports, jewelry and other personal items. One of the victims contacted her bank to report the theft of the debit card and was told it had just been used at a gas station in River Edge and a 7-Eleven store in Hackensack, Papapietro said. The person using the debit card at both places was described as a white man with longer hair, wearing a black jacket with a red hood, and driving a mid-1990s white Toyota Camry with a missing gas cap door, Papapietro said.

Now listen I understand when you’re working at a 7 Eleven at a gas station you probably don’t get a good look at everyone’s face. You also probably get a serious amount of weirdos that come through your spot. But when this creature Chris Connolly comes through and your description is “white man with longer hair” you might need to get your eyes checked out or something. You noticed his Toyota Camry had a missing gas cap door but didn’t notice that one eye is a tiger’s eye and the other is a vampire’s? Didn’t notice that its a 50/50 toss up if this guy has a penis or a vagina? I mean its a goddam miracle they caught that guy with such an irresponsible police description.

My official statement would have been “Ginger tranny with tiger and vampire eyes that makes Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs look like Santa Claus. If I missed any details I will be sure to call you first thing tomorrow morning because he’ll undoubtedly haunt my dreams night in and night out for the next couple weeks.” THAT is a fucking accurate description of Chris Connolly.