Dave Portnoy Reporting Live From the Eye of the Storm - Barstool College Football Show Week 5WATCH NOW

JAY CUTLER HAS A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT AND I THINK THAT MEANS HE'S PLAYING AGAINST THE GIANTS

Hey Ladies. 

Nothing to really see here just the hottest fucking quarterback to ever lace them up. Not that pretty boy bullshit either. I'm talking hot, rugged, bearded sex with the most apathetic of men. And you know just how much women love that shit - a guy who doesn't really care about anything, ever. So there's a natural attraction to be The One who "gets" him to care. But it's Jay Cutler and we all know that he will never give one flying fuck and that's what puts him over the top as my #1 quarterback sex icon of all time. 

Does flawless hair help? 

Yes. 

Midwestern charm? 

Of course. 

Rocket laser arm attached to 231 pounds of world-class athlete? 

Absolutely. 

And the list goes on from here: the rare down-to-earth Vanderbilt guy. Great smile. Dedicated to the community and even more so to his family. 

It's okay if blood is flowing to your crotch right now. It's natural. 

It's also natural for me to assume that Jay Cutler is announcing his return to the Chicago Bears on Thursday. Reason being is I have no other choice as an absolute crazy person. Yes - the season is over. But that's obviously because #6 hasn't taken a snap yet and there's still time. We get him to Lake Forest early Thursday for a full day with the 1's. Then heavy film and some live reps Friday afternoon. Light throwing work Saturday with some more film around a solid meal with me and the receivers. Walk-through Sunday morning before going 22-27 with 366 yards, 4 touchdowns and 0 interceptions en route to the first of six straight wins. The Bears finish 10-6 and miss the playoffs while strength of schedule next year improves only slightly and our horrible draft picks are seemingly made worse.

That's exactly what I'm Jay Cutler is saying.