The Polar Vortex Fucked This Fugitive Real Bad

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FRANKFORT, Ky. (AP) — Just how cold is it in Kentucky? Apparently cold enough for an escaped prisoner to decide to turn himself in. Authorities say the inmate escaped from a minimum security facility in Lexington on Sunday. As temperatures dropped into the low single digits Monday, they say he walked into a motel and asked the clerk to call police. Lexington police spokeswoman Sherelle Roberts says 42-year-old Robert Vick of Hartford told the clerk he wanted to turn himself in and escape the arctic air. Roberts says Vick was checked out by paramedics and returned to Blackburn Correctional Complex. Department of Corrections spokeswoman Lisa Lamb says Vick would have been dressed in prison-issued khaki pants, a shirt and a jacket when he escaped. Wind chill readings were 20 below zero Monday in Lexington.

How fucking shitty does your timing have to be to successfully escape from prison the same exact time that the country is hit with Arctic temperatures like its a goddam ice age? Like you know its fucking cold when you pull off perhaps the most difficult feat humanly possible and you’re just like “Ah fuck it. I’m going back. Too cold.” Imagine Andy Dufresne’ing your way out of prison? Hiding the hammer and clawing through the wall and breaking the pipe and crawling through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness and then you get outside and you’re like “Oh nevermind fuck this I can’t even feel my dick in this weather.” There’s only one thing worse than being incarcerated and apparently thats being really, really fucking cold.