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Fantasy Football League Punishment For Finishing Last: Take The SATs

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WSJ – Most fantasy-football owners play to win their leagues. Andrew Bean just didn’t want to lose his. Mr. Bean’s team, the Steeze Bombers, was so lousy this season that it reached the final round of his fantasy-football league’s consolation bracket. In sports—real or fantasy—it usually matters more who finishes first than last. In Mr. Bean’s competition, the champion wins a modest trophy to keep for one year.  But the last-place finisher of this league faces a punishment without analogy: He has to take the SAT. “Winning first place is just for bragging rights,” said Mr. Bean, 26, a Ph.D. student in statistics at Ohio State University. “But there’s a lot on the line with the SAT.” The penance in Mr. Bean’s league of eight friends, including engineers and attorneys, isn’t as permanent as a tattoo or as gross as being pelted with tomatoes, which are some other popular last-place penalties. But it is mortifying. The owner of the worst team temporarily relives high school by having to take the SAT college-entrance exam. Afterward, to make matters worse, he is required to share his score with the league. As the league’s bottom-dweller last season, the first that the loser was fated to sign up for the SAT, Mr. Corey took the test, scoring in the 1,500s out of the SAT’s 2,400-point scale. This season, he named his team “SAT Prep v. II for sale,” a nod to the SAT study guide he intended to offload on the next last-place finisher.

I cannot even begin to think about how bad my SAT scores would be right now. I’ve gotten progressively dumber since graduating from college and exponentially dumber since turning full time at Barstool. I used to be real quick with mental math and troubleshooting excel and kind of solving puzzles with financial modeling and shit. Now I literally do not challenge my brain at all. Anything that I even slightly don’t understand, I just give up on. 30 minutes of Jeopardy each night is the only thing that even begins to resemble some mental work. Other than that its nothing but voting on butts and talking about how I’m getting fat. I’m impotent and idiotic and I’m not even 30.

So I’d have to imagine I’d drop like 400 points on my SAT scores. I don’t even know how the 2400 scale works but if we’re talking about the old school 1600, I’d be happy just to break a thousand. Can you imagine trying to do like trigonometry and shit? We all know I have no fucking shot at grammar on the verbal section. Having my 2014 SAT scores released would be the single most embarrassing moment of my life. And anyone who’s seen the Barstool Combine knows thats saying a lot.