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Study Says Donuts Are Making Men Infertile

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Daily Mail – A study published last year in the journal Human Reproduction showed that when male mice were fed a high-fat diet, their babies suffered fertility problems – their sperm had more DNA damage and they fathered fewer babies. (Female offspring’s fertility was also affected.)  The pattern continued in the next generation of mice. In other words, if you eat too many fatty foods, your children – and even your grandchildren – may be more likely to be infertile.  ‘Several studies have emerged in the past 18 months showing men who consume a high-fat diet are more likely to have a low sperm count,’ says Professor Sharpe. ‘But one of the most worrying developments has been that the effect is epigenetic and appears to be passed on to the next generation. ‘It raises an interesting speculation – that it’s the change in the diet of our fathers and grandfathers causing current male fertility problems.  ‘We need to find out if there’s any truth in that, because if there is we really would be looking at a ticking time bomb. ‘Various factors in our modern lifestyle, diet or environment are undoubtedly making the situation worse.’ Earlier this year, a Danish study of 953 men found that those who suffered disturbed sleep had sperm counts more than a quarter lower than normal. This may be because the factors that interfere with good sleep – such as obesity, a high-fat diet, diabetes and excessive alcohol – are also linked to low sperm count.

Stoolie Geoff emailed me this and said “Well looks like you’re fucked.” Um, what? Jackpot! Fucking jackpot bro! The only thing standing between me and a bevy of slutty, nasty, karma-induced daughters is apparently donuts. Well guess fucking what? I’ve been preemptively eating donuts since I grew teeth. Its fate. Its meant to be. I unknowingly have been eating the magical food that will stop me from being the father of 5 daughters. Next thing you’re gonna tell me that buffalo wings make you smarter and cheesesteaks and tater tots are the keys to everlasting life.

Sure, I’ll also never be able to produce a son to carry on the family name. But is that really all that bad? Does the world really need another me? Do I need to ruin my Roommate’s perfect fine genes with my garbage DNA? For sure not. I’ll just be here stuffing my face with donut holes until my popems are nothing more than useless ornaments. My poor prostate just churning out like billions of useless sperm. Wouldn’t be surprised if I just start cumming jelly or blasting out puffs of powdered sugar. Thats just ImpotentDonutLife.