News 12-Wild turkeys are running amok at an over-55 community in Ocean County. Residents say turkeys in a large flock are blocking their doorways, pecking at cars and behaving aggressively. "I can't get out of my door," says one resident. "Sometimes I can't get out of my car. They go to attack you."
Just in time for Thanksgiving, an aggressive gaggle of 40 to 60 wild turkeys is terrorizing the community in the Holiday City section of town. Residents say that shooing the birds away doesn't help, and that they actually bite. Some say that the turkeys have even broken windows in people's houses.
Now I'll admit that if my Mema or Nana were being terrorized by a bunch of wild birds, I wouldn't fell the same way about this story as I do. But I am actually happy that these turkeys have struck back against us humans. We as Americans have turned November into a month where we rub our spot atop the food chain directly in the face of turkeys and only turkeys. I know Thanksgiving is merely one day out of the month. But everywhere you look, from decorations to calendars to NFL games, involves turkeys on plates or in cages.
It's not like turkeys are some badass birds of prey we have a rivalry with or anything either. They are a pretty relaxed if not boring species that just so happen to taste delicious smothered in gravy with a side of stuffing, mashed potatoes, and holy shit I am hungry. However a gaggle (Top 10 favorite word of mine btw) of wild turkeys breaking into houses and fighting back against some of the weakest examples The Man has to offer like a Thanksgiving Revenge Game seems like a fair rebuttal considering the countless numbers of their brethren being slaughtered as I type this blog so their carcasses can be sold in grocery stores leading up to the day where we gorge ourselves to the point of exhaustion and sickness. I know I just said turkeys are essentially a pussy bird. But you throw the word "wild" in front of an animals name and they suddenly become a lot scarier. What do you think of when I say Dog? Something like this, right?
Now what do you think of when I say Wild Dog? These mangy little fuckers.
Wild turkeys are the same thing. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't fear landing on the Wild Turkey space in a game of Jumanji. But having some wild bird with talons and a beak coming for your old ass neck can't be fun. Maybe the Toms River Little League team that is in the LLWS seemingly every other year can help their elders by making some loud pings off of the heads of wild turkeys along with Todd Frazier, who I bet none of you knew grew up in Toms River.