Surviving Barstool | Ep. 4 Premieres Monday (12/4) at 8PM ETWATCH EP. 1-3 NOW

Women are Furious the NFL is Banning Purses from Stadiums Because They Won't Have a Place to Hide Their Tampons

CBS SportsThe NFL announced a change to its bag policy Thursday and beginning with the 2013 season, only clear plastic, vinyl or PVC bags will be permitted inside NFL stadiums. Under the new policy, fans will be allowed to bring one bag into stadiums and that bag must be clear and not exceed 12 inches by six inches by 12 inches. Chanel, Prada and Gucci might not be on board with the new policy, which will prohibit purses from NFL stadiums. Small clutch bags are still permitted, as long they’re no bigger than “the size of a hand.”

When this story broke, it was immediately followed by howls of angry protests from the scores of hot Jerry groupies football fan chicks on Twitter, outraged that they’re being discriminated against.  Apparently the big issue with them is they need to bring their feminine protection to games, and they don’t want to be forced to parade their tampons and pads around in front of 60,000 drunken assholes every Sunday.  So it’s one of those classic cases of security vs privacy rights. Now most such debates have deep philosophical, constitutional and legal issues to them, but to me this one is fairly cut and dried.  As a matter of fact, I can settle the whole argument with one simple solution that should please everyone: Ladies, when you’re getting your period, stay home.  Which you should be doing in the first place, but this just settles it.  Look, I’m not one of those women-shouldn’t talk-sports-now-go-make-me-a-sammich guy.  I’m all about celebrating the equality of the female fan.  But at the same time, you need to recognize that menstruation is indecent and gross and you owe it to the rest of us to stay home in shame while you’re on the cotton the way God intended.  That way everybody wins.  Seriously, the rest of us go to games to watch great athletes achieve amazing things and to ogle cheerleaders who are unobtainably hot for us.  An NFL game is a fantasy world built to distract us from our miserable lives for 3 hours a week.  No one wants the illusion ruined by thousands of women with their periods in sync dragging us back to reality.  Besides, I hear periods attract bears.  The bears can smell the menstruation.  So you’re putting the whole stadium in jeopardy.  So do us all a favor: leave your purses and your tampon and your ovaries at home and come back when you’re not suffering from the curse.

PS.  Tom Brady can still bring his, because it’s not a purse; it’s a satchel.

PPS.  One player who won’t be affected by this is Mark Sanchez, since his girlfriends aren’t old enough to menstruate yet.  @JerryThornton1