Yahoo — 3,000 Americans around the world renounced their citizenship last year. Meet five U.S. citizens who have given up their passports — or are thinking about it — to escape an overly complicated tax code.
Yahoo ran this article today of five “American” morons living in other countries who are boo-hooing about how rough our tax laws are and how they’re so emotionally torn up about renouncing their US citizenship. Bitching and moaning about how they had no choice but to call it quits on the red, white and blue. Ya, ok, there shouldn’t be consequences for your foolish decision to live your life somewhere besides the best goddamn place on the planet. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Those are the rules of cake-eating, I didn’t write em. So let me introduce you to 5 of the dumbest traitors known to man:
“I renounced my U.S. citizenship in 2011. After I did it, I was so emotional that I threw up outside the embassy. During my renunciation, I broke down. It was like getting a divorce. America gave me my education, a good career path, and I came from a beautiful part of the country. This was very hard…. My decision to renounce was triggered when my bank threatened to close my account because I was American. What would I do without a bank? Americans in Switzerland were having trouble with their investments, getting credit cards, and some weren’t even getting loans. I’ve been in Switzerland since 1990, and became a citizen in 2005, because I wanted the right to vote where I was living.”
This is a pretty cut and dry case here, Donna-Lane. You didn’t stop being an American when you vommed all over the steps of the embassy 3 years ago. You were fucking out in 1990, the second you decided the Alps was the place to spend your days. That goes double when you chose to become a foreign citizen 15 years later. Didn’t hear ya bitching when you used the American educational system to launch yourself into such a “good career” elsewhere. Swiss cheese and apple pie don’t mix, that’s a fact. Probably what caused that upset stomach.
‘We’re ostracized for being American’
Name: Ezra Goldman, 28 Lives in: Dongguan, China
“I was born a dual citizen of both the U.S. and Germany — the U.S. through my father, and Germany through my mother. After graduating from college in 2008, I moved for work to Dongguan, China, and I’ve been here ever since…. I am increasingly conflicted about giving up my U.S. citizenship. I plan to live abroad for a while for my career, and I don’t know when I’ll move back. It doesn’t make it any easier as there also seem to be more and more restrictions for expats — we’re ostracized for being American. On numerous occasions, I’ve gone to banks to talk about investment opportunities, and they will blatantly tell me, “We do offer them to our customers, but because you’re American, those opportunities are not available.” Ultimately, I don’t know what I’m going to do as time goes on, but I do know that I will always feel and be American, regardless of my passport.”
Word of advice here bud. Get the fuck outta China while you still have your citizenship. Dunno know what you do for a living, but it sure as hell can’t be worth living in that wasteland. I have a sliver of respect for the fact that you’ve survived 6 years without being ravaged by a pack of wild dogs or hit by a car, but it means nothing if you don’t buck up and head back before it’s too late. Plus forks for chopsticks is a trade deadline steal for the ages. If you can’t understand that, you don’t deserve to be an American.
‘I still feel American’
Name: Laurie Lautmann, 58 Lives in: Gisborne, New Zealand
“I went traveling through the Pacific, and landed in New Zealand in my mid-20s. I just loved it, and ended up staying, buying a home, finding a partner — the whole works. My partner, Frank, and I are pretty average middle class types. Frank is a local gym teacher, and I have a part-time job as a cleaner. The tax obligations imposed by the U.S. drove us crazy! The accountancy fee is the main reason why we both renounced our U.S. citizenship last year. It wasn’t an easy decision — super stressful, and very emotional. I still feel American — it’s where I grew up. If someone asks me what I am, well, hey, I’m an American! I can’t say I’m a Kiwi, a New Zealander. I sound like an American, and I really am one. I just don’t have the passport anymore.”
Newsflash here babe. We have gyms and things to clean in America. Zero reason for you to work blue collar jobs in the middle of the goddamn Pacific. If New Zealand is so beautiful why don’t ya marry it! Whatevs, no skin off my back. There’s an old phrase called “addition by subtraction”. So you can subtract your passport and another dose of sun poisoning, and we’ll subtract you and make our country a better place. Win-win-win.
‘Invasion of privacy’
Name: Christina Ammann, 56 Lives in: Belp, Switzerland
“I grew up in Phoenix, Arizona, and went to college in California. After I graduated, I entered the Peace Corps, stationed in Costa Rica. That’s where I met my husband, who is Swiss. I moved to Switzerland to be with him in 1984, and received Swiss citizenship when we married. The fact that I have signatory rights on my Swiss husband’s financial accounts means that I must report them to the U.S. government, which I find quite unfair. I have no problem paying taxes — I have problems with reporting my non-American husband’s assets. It’s an invasion of privacy.”
What are you even talking about? You have a problem reporting your husband’s assets? Listen, I’m all for keeping things under wraps. You keep your shit to yourself, and I’ll do the same. But what asset is more valuable than your status as a goddamn American? None. That’s what asset. We all have policies and laws we don’t agree with, and you don’t see me taking my ball and going home. But if there’s one thing FOR SURE I won’t put up with, it’s having quitters on my team, and you ma’am, are a fucking quitter.
‘A burden for my son’
Name: Richard Sikes, 65 Lives in: Toronto, Canada
“I am a native Oregonian who became something of a gypsy, living all over the continent — Ireland, England, Switzerland and Germany. I hardly earned anything at the time as a ballet dancer, so I figured I probably didn’t owe taxes. What I’m worried about these days is whether to apply for U.S. citizenship for my younger son, who is 16. He was born in Canada, and currently holds Canadian citizenship. He has the right to be an American citizen through me, and I wouldn’t want to deny him that. But do I want to impose a lifetime of paying to have U.S. tax returns prepared upon him? There are benefits — having a U.S. passport would make it easier for him to study and work in the U.S., if that’s what he wants.”
Finally a situation with some hope. Yes, you do want to want to “impose” taxes on your son. Best goddamn gift you could give as a father. You probably wonder why he doesn’t appreciate what he finds under the tree on Christmas every year. Furby, Bop It, N64, you name it, he’s brushed it aside in hopes of receiving the gift of opportunity. Probably read Captain America with a flashlight under the covers too. So make his wildest dreams come true. Sign him up. Can’t think of a better way to come back as a father after a career in ballet dancing than giving your son the gift of American freedom.