I have been seeing more and more news stories as of late that, even though they are totally unrelated, lead me to have the same exact thought...
How fucking patient do you have to be nowadays if your job was the front desk at a police station?
I first pondered this at some point last year when I read a story about a trans woman from England who was denied a role in an amateur porn film after the director/actor/cameraman came to the realization that she still had a penis.
The woman in question, 25-year-old Ria Cooper, went to the local police and reported her incident as a "hate crime", citing the director used "discriminatory" and "appalling" comments towards her, comparing the verbal abuse to that of a racist.
One such comment was the filmmaker claimed he couldn't work with Ria specifically because... And I quote... "She has a cock."
Before this incident/stunt, Miss Cooper was best known as Britain's youngest transgender patient, beginning her life as a woman at the age of 15.
She wound up transitioning back over to being male when she-but-soon-to-be-he was around 18 years old, and then he-but-soon-to-be-she-again jumped BACK to the female side (for good?) at 23.
That's a lot of gender hopping for one lifetime, I suppose, and here's a glamour shot of the now gender-happy (fingers crossed!!) young lady...
But back to last year's incident- The ensuing official police report from Humberside Police read as follows:
"We received a report of a hate incident yesterday. The report has been logged and will be investigated."
The unofficial comment from the poor bastard at Humberside manning the phones that afternoon was probably more like:
"What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?"
Honestly... I know there isn't a police force that is run like a perfectly calibrated Swiss timepiece. However, at their core, police forces are filled with men and women who are working to make society a better place.
They are not doing it for free, nor are they ALWAYS doing it as heroically as, say, a veteran who signs up to go to war solely due to an overwhelming presence of patriotic duty. But, on the whole, police forces across the planet are filled with men and women who are part of the "greater good", and it should come as no surprise that I support that wholeheartedly.
Would I want my kids to become cops?... Fuck no.
Would I myself make a good officer of the law?... See above (Fuck no.)... I just don't possess the conditioning.
Still, I recognize and respect the sacrifices they make and appreciate the security they provide. And part of this respect and appreciation is that I would never go to the front desk in Humberside, England after being turned down for amateur porn because of my meaty cock.
So what am I really complaining about here?
Whether you are crying wolf or making mountains out of porn-related molehills, you cant get the police involved to a point where they redirect resources that could be used for the aforementioned greater good.
"I am sorry, ma'am, we were unable to get an officer over to prevent your child's death because our only available man was rescuing a cat out of a tree."
I am about to come clean here.
I am running out of good things to say about the police, so I might as well fess up.
I didn’t write this blog to ponder the life of a front desk clerk at the local precinct... I wrote it to screw over a coworker.
Up until very recently, when you performed a Google image search for “Large Barstool”, you were given 1 of 3 search results.
The first result would yield multiple pictures of Big Cat. I assume the search algorithm doesn’t differentiate between the “Big” in Big Cat and the “Large” in my nom-de-plume, and since Dan is infinitely (and inexplicably) more popular than me, his bloated mug would populate the majority of pictures within that search.
The second result for an image search of “Large Barstool” would simply be pictures of actual oversized barstools from catalogs that sold furniture to fat people.
The third was this...
For the longest time, my lack of exposure on Google Images infuriated me, and in the back of my mind, I was always looking for a way to make someone else feel those same frustrations... Misery loves company, I guess.
So, maybe a year after my face started to slowly populate the search results, I found a way to snare someone else in the trap I just recently escaped, and that’s by replacing THEIR moderately unique name with the image of someone salacious with a similar name they probably don’t want to be confused with. I simply attach this other person with the same name to the search word “Barstool” by including them in a Barstool blog and “WHAM!”... Some unsuspecting bastard now has their own Big Cat/reinforced stool albatross to bear.
Seems as good a time as any to remind everyone that the confused transsexual in the story above was named “Ria”, and the blog I am writing about Ria is on the website Barstool Sports.
So you could say (and for the purposes of this blog only), this young lady is AKA Barstool Ria and/or Ria from Barstool Sports.
And here’s that same glamour shot of her from above, just in case you forgot what Barstool Ria looks like.
Now I am off to find a pedophile named “Kayce”.
Take a report.
-Large (not Big Cat)
By the way… Does everyone remember how great of a player FRAN Tarkenton was?
For those who forgot, here’s a picture of Fran that I am now attaching to a blog on Barstool Sports.
Fran had such a memorable career in the NFL, that I am not sure he’ll ever be remembered as BARSTOOL FRAN, but he definitely touched my life enough that I want to put another complimentary TOPLESS picture of FRAN up here on BARSTOOL on the off chance one of you fucking perverted weirdos inevitably searches "Topless Barstool Fran".
We have yet another edition of ExtraLarge dropping on BarstoolGOLD today at noon…
Have a good weekend.
(it ain't she)