I was going to title this blog, “New Study Shows That The ‘Chin Strap’ Is The Most White Trash Type Of Facial Hair For Men”, but I thought that would be bad for optics so I didn’t. Just know where my head is at while I’m writing this. I got the idea last night while I was attempting to trim my own beard, which always ends up in a clean-shaven face. Something about partial facial hair makes me look absolutely disgusting. It’s the same for most people. So I took to twitter to find out what types of facial hair are the trashiest for men. The results are as follows…
Chin strap, neck beard, thin mustache, mutton chops- I can’t say I’m surprised. To be clear, when I say ‘chin strap’ I’m talking about the really, really, REALLY thin kind. The one that looks like it was drawn onto the jawbone with a pencil. The same way that saying, ‘the bigger the hoop the bigger the hoe’ applies to earrings, ‘the thinner the stash the bigger the trash’ applies to chin straps. It’s the ultimate indicator of whether or not you’re dealing with garbage.
When I think chin strap, I think about people who were arrested for pills in high school. They’re the same people who were having sex way too young and drinking way too early. Their parents made good money, but you’d never know it by looking at them. They dress like gangsters despite the fact that they’re upper-middle class suburbanites who grew up riding dirt bikes. Some of them lease BMW’s, but it’s only because they still live at home. The rest drive Maxima’s with illegal tints. They’re the people who get confrontational if a guy holds the door open for their girlfriend. They’re huge advocates for the legalization of marijuana because it keeps them off the drugs that are ‘way worse.’ People with chin straps think being dumb makes them cool. They hang out at the local bar looking for fights. They long for the past when they were the alpha in the lunchroom because they hit puberty before everyone else. They settle things with fists and if that doesn’t work, with vandalism. The thin chin strap is the pinnacle of trash in terms of facial hair and if you disagree it’s because you have one.
And before you start bitching about how the survey didn’t include goatees and soul patches and whatever else, know that both of those hairstyles are rad and I have the picture to prove it.
The poll is still open so if you think you can sway the results, vote below.
PS: If you’re reading this blog and you have a chin strap, I wasn’t talking about you.